Something like a second chance

Will all the other Hags please stand up?

2008-08-08T19:17:00.000-07:00

I've finally come to terms with the fact that I LOOOOOOVE gay men. It was bound to happen first with me living in L.A., then going to FIDM, then working in entertainment. I swear, they are some of my best friends and I've found one that may be one of the funniest people I've seen.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the FABULOUS Drama Dupree!

I could watch this shit ALL DAY. Thank you Fresh for bringing Drama into my life!

Wondering...

2008-08-05T21:58:00.000-07:00

I had a "falling out" with a good friend yesterday. Actually, it was more of a "this is why you suck" session where I was the focus. I sat and got to hear how I've changed since going through a broken engagement, the back to back deaths of my father and grandmother, and the stunting of my career.

Hmmmm...

I was proud of myself for not getting defensive. I sat and took it, absorbed it, and calmly presented my rebuttle this morning. Normally, I'm one to say "f*ck it" and sweep the situation under the rug, but truth is, I have changed. I've become more focused on what makes me happy instead of pleasing other people. This shift in my personality has now made it impossible for me to shrug off a berating - especially when I don't agree with what is being said. This was one of those times.

I felt grown up with my newfound unction to take charge and actively resolve conflict.

Score one for me.

EARTHQUAKE!!!

2008-07-29T12:03:00.000-07:00

We had one today - 5.7 magnitude centered in Chino. I'm glad I live in L.A.

My Addiction

2008-07-25T19:59:00.000-07:00

I've been AWOL. You know why?

eBay.

Damn that infernal auction site. This month, it has managed to relieve me of over $300 and I'm not even finished with what I'm trying to win on that site. I've pledged to stop after the 28th of the month.

So much for my new financial plan...I can't stick with anything. I'm surprised I've been in the relationship I'm in for this long. Seriously.

It all started when I decided to get an ipod to help my time in the gym pass by more quickly. Note: I haven't been to the gym since my car messed up (it was fixed 3 days later). I resolved to find a $40 ipod somewhere and I turned to my old standby eBay. I seemed to have forgotten that once I start, it's extremely hard for me to stop.

My search for the elusive $40 ipod was unfruitful, so I decided to pay whatever I thought was fair given the condition of the piece. I found one - barely used and in a kick-ass color and made it mine - for $130 with shipping. Everything after that is really a blur. I clicked on a random American Apparel ad and discovered that they had an eBay store that sold vintage clothes (I have a "thing" for them). I also found a rare bartending book that my dude HAD to have. Then I found a pair of shoes...

*sigh*

I caught myself mid-spree and added up all the money I've spent on eBay and for the whole month. It's shameful. Extremely shameful. And I call myself trying to go to Jamaica in October.

I'm going cold turkey in August. I hope I don't "forget" about my addiction come Christmastime.

About that car of mine...

2008-07-07T23:02:00.001-07:00

It's in the shop...again.

They told me it's the rack and pinion something or other. All I heard was $600.

This isn't much motivation to stay with my much loved high end hoopty. I've been mulling over whether or not to sell it and get a Scion xA/Nissan Versa/Honda Fit/anything that won't break down on me every 4 months, but whenever I get like this, I make sure to talk to a couple of people so that I get my head together and keep my car. I went to work today and did just that.

Around lunch, I told a colleague of mine that my car was back in the shop for the third time this year.

"Why haven't you bought a new one?"

"I'm too used to not having a car payment. "

"When was the last time you had a car payment to make?"

"Never."

"You need to come on over to the adult world."

BINGO. Never in life should a $400/month paycheck deduction in the name of a newer whip qualify me to be an adult.

I'll be waiting on my mechanic to call me so I can hand him a chunk of my Jamaica Fund money. Yeah, it sucks, but it's better than having to do it little by little every month.

Word.

I have a confession...

2008-07-03T19:03:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit of a conspiracy theorist. Either that or I'm prone to paranoia when it comes to doomsday scenarios. I watched Children of Men a couple of days ago, and it made me think of a piece I wrote a few months ago about peak oil and its potential to drastically change the world.

It didn't help that I read an article that sounded strikingly similar this week. I think I should sue. LOL.

Anyway, enjoy my earlier rant:

I’m not crazy, I’m just concerned.

Many have said that today, this age, is one of the best to have been born into. Technological advances have made our lives easier and the world smaller. Energy resources have made it easy for us to move around and do almost anything we like to. The majority of us, in America, eat well, live above standard, and generally have good lives.

I tend to disagree. Today, many things are going on that are foreshadowing what is going to be a very difficult time for a whole lot of people. The reality of peak oil and the elevated effects of climate change are threatening a lot of the lifestyle that we have become used to. What’s even more alarming is that too many people have no idea what is going on.

To keep it short, the earth is too hot and major cities and countries are beginning to run out of water (yes, even in the USA), there is less oil available today then there was two years ago even though demand is on the rise, and for six out of the last seven years, the world has consumed more food that it actually produced.

Take a breath, let that sink in, and do the math.

When I say the earth is too hot, I am not referencing the melting polar ice caps which I’m sure we’ve all heard about. I’m referring to the lack of rain that has fallen on much of the world. As it stands today, the city of Atlanta along with the states of North Carolina and Alabama could completely run out of water in less than three months.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/16/us/16drought.html?_r=2&oref=slogin&oref=slogin

What happens to them when the water runs dry? Even Boyz 2 Men warned against that. Seriously. And when what the last time is really rained in Southern California? Looking at that map makes me think that we’re not that far behind.

People are already being killed over water disputes in Australia.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/7072917.stm

I’m not crazy, I’m just concerned.

On to peak oil. Some of you have heard about it; more have dismissed it coming out of the mouths of people with “Conspiracy” in front of their names, but the fact of the matter is that oil is a finite resource that we are going to run out of. This information is going to be extremely oversimplified, but you can research this topic VERY easily. It’s near criminal if you don’t.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peak_oil

Christophe de Margerie, the CEO of the French group of Total, one of the largest oil companies in the world, opposed the notion that the world’s capacity to produce oil is going up. It has been predicted that the world will be able to produce up to 116 million barrels a day by 2030, up from 85 million today. According to Margerie, “even 100 million is optimistic.”

To put it in perspective, the United States alone consumes over 20 million barrels of oil each day. China is at over 6 million and is poised to overtake the US in a few years with increasing demand. In totality, the entire world consumes around 85 million barrels per day.

So…there is rising demand, and unstable production numbers that are teetering between just being able to supply the demand actually supplying the demand. We need oil, but what happens when we can’t have it? What happens when we can’t afford it?

Near the end of 2006, the price of oil was $56/barrel. Hurricane Katrina caused a massive jump in the price of oil, landing it at a record (and “unthinkable”) $60/barrel.

As of November 1, 2007 oil is $96/barrel.

There is much debate on when the peak of production will actually be. Some think it has already happened. Some think it will happen in the next 15 years. Point is, it’s going to happen. No one thought it would happen in America when Dr. M. King Hubbert predicted it back in 1956. America is no longer the world’s largest producer of oil. Other countries have followed a similar pattern of discovery, pumping, and depletion. The world is certainly soon to follow. And the world, in turn, will most likely delve into a conflict filled rat race to get their hands on what’s left.

I won’t even start on how many global conflicts going on right now that are the results of the desire to control waning resources. It’s more than Iraq. Think of that huge poverty stricken landmass that is to the lower left of it on the map that has been consistently raped for resources since the age of industrialization. Yeah, that one.

What this means for you is rising gas prices, rising prices in goods that have to be shipped from other places (umm…everything), rising prices in food (because that has to be shipped, too), and the systematic shutting down of suburban communities that rely on having to commute in order to live the lives they have.

So on one hand, there are people running out of water and everyone potentially having to struggle to afford food and necessities. Unless your income increases to reflect the change in prices for the things you need to survive, very bad things have the potential to happen.

Again, I’m not crazy, I’m just concerned.

One thing that is almost never mentioned is population overshoot. As of today, the world is holding around 6,602,224,175 people. In 1856, when America, credited for the first modern commercial oil well, first started pumping oil, the population was 1 billion. Between 1856 and 1930, that doubled to 2 billion. From 1930 to 1970, it doubled again to 4 billion. And now we’re at 6 billion with a growth rate of around 80 million per year.

This growth was at one point feasible because the world had enough resources to allow for it. Now, that isn’t the case.

A similar model can be seen in the deer population in California. Cali is a fairly dry state, but every now and again we have a very rainy year. Because of this rain, there is an abundance of grassy food and a correlated explosion in the deer population. However, in the following years, when we don’t have enough rain to keep the food supply constant, the excess in the population begins to starve for a lack of grass to eat.

I mentioned before that the world has been consuming more food than it has been producing for the last six out of seven years.

I’ll give you a minute before I say this. Breathe in.

We could actually see nearly 4 billion people starve to death in our lifetime.

http://www.countercurrents.org/goodchild291007.htm

Again, I’m not crazy, I’m just concerned. Actually, I’m scared. I’m scared because I don’t really know what I can do about it IF I can do anything about it. I’m scared because I have a family and friends and I don’t know what is going to happen to them. I’m scared because every alternative I can think of is screwed over by one of the things I mentioned in this piece.

Love each other. And whether you choose to keep your head in the sand like we’ve been doing for years or to be proactive, good luck.

End of the Month Tally

2008-06-30T20:43:00.000-07:00

As promised a few posts ago, I'm going to keep track of my debt pay-down activity to keep me motivated and to get some of y'all motivated. I think I'm doing fairly well considering that I haven't been on a binge shopping spree. I am, however, using my credit cards way too much - they're supposed to be for bills and gas only. Or maybe gas is that expensive that I'm not noticing???

Either way, I'll be giving regular end of the month updates and posting any new and interesting money management articles/tips/tricks I come across.

I'm using Dave Ramsey's snowball method coupled with the lazy snowflaking method I learned from Florida Chic over at Debt Smack and I think I'm off to a fairly good start:

Starting Balance
CC1 - $0
CC2 - $0
CC3 - $0
Student Loan 1 - $3500
Student Loan 2 - $12204.79
Student Loan 3 - $27000

Current Balance
CC1 - $12.99
CC2 - $79.06
CC3 - $124.05
Student Loan 1 - $3106.91
Student Loan 2 - $12122.69
Student Loan 3 - $27000 (still in deferment)

Since I'm in the habit of paying the cards off every month, my snowballing goes toward my student loans. I'm expecting the first one to be paid off by May '09 or earlier with the added snowflakes. The expected payoff date for the second one is April 2021, but that's going to change very soon. It seems very daunting now to be paying all of this money back, but I keep reading that little by little, it will become more and more manageable.

Looking at all those numbers makes me happy that I don't have a car payment. YAY for 13 year old cars that are still running!

On to new business. I'm hoping to more serious with my writing, so I'll be posting more regularly. I don't know if I'm going to go the schedule route, but hopefully I can give you something twice a week. I'll try and redecorate too. =)

Word.

Something truly life changing...

2008-06-26T20:36:00.001-07:00

While on one of my many frequented blogsites, Get Rich Slowly, I came across a link to another blog which has, in the span of less than an hour, changed the way I view the world and the limitations therein. The Art of Non-Conformity is a definite recommendation for those of you who are tired of an average life and are ready to do something remarkable with the time you are given.

I highly advise that you download and read the Brief Guide to World Domination (which the author Chris has made available for free-99) and seriously consider the information he has provided. Based on that manifesto and the article he contributed to Get Rich Slowly, I've made a commitment to contribute to kiva.org and am planning on how to go overseas - right now, I'm really feeling China after seeing the havoc that the recent earthquake wreaked on so many areas. I've always wanted to help, but for reasons I can only attribute to excuses and fear, I never managed to do much of anything after a major crisis hits an ill-prepared and underfunded region of the world.

And I'm still trying to find a way out of L.A. and up to San Francisco. I swear, I need to just jump on a plane and make a way when I touch down. It's about the best plan I could come up with, so I may just go that route. It's all just a matter of time now (*tenting fingers*).

Thank you for your writing, Chris. I only hope you are affecting many, but you have definitely affected me.

Contest Time!

2008-06-14T19:26:00.000-07:00

While browsing my "kill your debt" blogs like I like to do, I came upon this great giveaway at John Chow - apparently Market Leverage wants to give away a bag full of stuff to someone who either comments at the John Chow blog or links back to the contest post. Simple enough, right?

Almost forgot - the "stuff" is...

*drumroll*

Flip video camera
Market Leverage clothing (shirts, a jacket and cap)
$200 Market Leverage Amex Rewards card
USB drive that is also a pen
iPod Nano.

Good luck and hurry up! Contest is over on June 20th.

Perspective

2008-06-10T12:33:00.000-07:00

I was browsing a blog dealing with debt (because I'm manically obsessive about it) and other issues, and I saw this in one of the entries:

"And I think the BIG issue here is that I am not requiring enough of myself. I have let myslef take the easy way out for a couple years. I have not set a major goal for myself. I have not been working toward anything substantial."

I stopped reading and really thought about that for about 48 seconds. I'm extremely guilty of the same. I make all these plans and goals and then don't stick with them. Then I wallow and cry about why I don't have the money to move to San Francisco like I want to. Or why I'm $41K in the hole because of student loans.

Well, and here's hoping, that's the end of that. I'm going to make a plan and stick to it. I'm going to be snowballing and snowflaking my way out of student loan hell which is scheduled to have me trapped until 2021. It's a big goal to start with, but if I don't focus, I'm going to be paying out the ass forever. I at least want to tackle it while my rent in L.A. is $350 a month (I got EXTREMELY lucky). In addition, I'm going to try and chart my progress here and blog more regularly overall. Yes, they will be even more random than they are now, but it'll be something new and fresh for the good folks who stop by to see my ranting (THANKS btw).

Wish me luck...

So I lost my engagement ring...

2008-06-08T17:29:00.000-07:00

Not that I needed it because the wedding didn't exactly jump off, but today I lost my engagement ring. I blame it on the subprime meltdown that affected my mother's ability to afford our house after my father's untimely passing. This weekend was spent packing up boxes, our lives, and 16 years of memories.

Most of them anyway.

I first realized that it was gone when I was canvassing my room for the final time today, I was initially freaked out. I tried to remember when I'd hidden it with no luck. I called to see if it was with someone else. There's no telling at this point because most everything that was in my room is in a box or piled beneath tons of objects.

I started to freak out just a little bit, but then I remembered a conversation I had two days ago with my current beau. He's a widower and was telling me that he'd somehow lost all of his past wife's memorabilia. At first I thought, "damn, that sucks," but he believes that this was the best for him. He said that losing all those pictures, clothing items, and things helped him to move forward with his life. That thought made me wonder if I was holding on to too much of the past and not moving forward because of it. Not cool.

I decided to charge this one to the game and not worry about it. I wasn't using it and at present, I'm not all too keen on my ex, so hell - it's just gone. Congrats to the lucky SOB that happens upon my white gold princess cut diamond. Sucka.

It's all just a little bit of history repeating...

2008-05-19T16:12:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, while "enjoying" the heat wave SoCal has been slammed with in the baking discomfort of my home, I got the chance to watch Apocalypse Now. By the end of it, I was gifted with something rarely offered with today's fare of comic book guys, 60's TV reinterpretations, and 35+ ladies living the single life: perspective.

Yes, it was my first time watching the movie. I'm 24, the war in 'Nam didn't affect any of my family members directly and I hadn't heard much about it to pique my interest. And despite all of the sideways looks I got when I told people that I got to see Apocalypse Now for the first time, I'm glad I saw it when I did.

After being enlightened on the truth of the Vietnam War – why it began, why it continued, and how America fell victim to a heart of darkness – and seeing this film, I saw the present war in a completely different light. Sure I was always against it from a moral and ethical standpoint, but I hadn't really considered it's affect on the men and women actually fighting in it. I also never considered the parallels that exist between Vietnam and the more recent situation in Iraq.

I believe that a good portion of the general public knows that people on "our side" are responsible for the rise of Saddam Hussein in the 1960's and 1970's only to do a complete 180˚ when he ceased to be useful. I wonder if they remember a similar situation happening with the Viet Cong (or Viet Minh at the time) – an organization that the US helped to build up only to tear down when they no longer fit in with what we thought was best. The order of the day in those decades was fighting the spread of Communism. Today, it's oil. Let's not kid ourselves by thinking this new "war" is about anything else.

I could bog you down with facts, figures, and peak oil (the (not-so-new) explanation for gas prices and why they won't come down), but I don't think anyone wants to hear about it. Too doomsday I guess. What sucks is the idea that this country needs to control, or at least consume, the majority of all the oil that is left in the world and that that oil is underneath Iraq is responsible for the deaths of countless Iraqis and thousands of American soldiers.

What really sucks is that a lot of those soldiers are committing suicide.

When I was first made aware that 1,000 soldiers have killed themselves after returning home from Iraq, I could only naively imagine why. After Apocalypse Now, I have a much better understanding. I can also believe that the number reported could be a low one as they only account for veterans and not soldiers on active duty.

Imagine for a moment what these soldiers see and do at the commands of higher officers and the hands of suicide bombers (or just watch the movie) - villages completely laid to waste, men, women and children killed mercilessly, and countless bombings all over the country. After chewing on that, consider that then they realize what all of the horror is happening for. Not to save us from terrorism (remember, there weren't any WMDs there), not to save us from Saddam (he's dead), not to find Osama (last time I checked, he wasn't an Iraqi). They realize that it's for black gold. Texas tea. The last bits of what took millions of years to produce.

What do you do when you realize that you're basically the muscle of Corporate America and that your commander-in-chief thought it best to risk your life on multiple occasions so that rich men can get richer by controlling oil in a country thousands of miles away? Some opt for suicide, some turn into Colonel Kurtz, and some realize that they aren't fit for civilian life and go crazy. Post traumatic stress is what they call it.

When growing up and learning the histories of the countries of the world, one comes to view a war as something that results from two or more countries having a legitimate problem with each other – imperialism gone wrong, colonialism gone wrong, assassinations, etc. As of late, however, it seems that we have been entering "wars" under the guise of ideas and speculation when we're really trying to take something from someone because we need it. On one level it's robbery. On another, it's tantamount to rape.

But it's only the third world, so it doesn't matter that much anyway.

And you wonder why certain vets yell out "God damn America" in church. I'm not surprised. We have committed some of the most atrocious crimes against other countries over the decades and have turned a blind eye to our soldiers for just as long save those yellow ribbons on the backs of the SUVs of suburbia. How much are we really supporting them? Really?

I'm lucky to be an American. I'm not so sure if I'm proud of it.

WTF?

2008-05-14T19:00:00.001-07:00

So now the 7YO that stole his grandmother's truck has now decided it proper to beat up on said grandmother for telling him he couldn't have any chicken wings...

Jesus be a lap band and a Hot Wheels Track.

This is why I can't have kids. I'm not uber violent, but I believe that a little harsh discipline can go a LONG way.

I weep for the kids, man. I really do.

Stuck on the Demon Box...

2008-05-07T20:27:00.000-07:00

I just got Eddie Murphy's RAW.

It's been way too long and I forgot dude was so hilarious and manly in his heyday.

WE ATE THE TOYS, EDDIE!!
---
That Primetime show with Deion and Pilar Sanders is funny as hell. If you get Oxygen, you should watch it. Hilarity.
---
ANTM is starting to irritate the hell out of me. I still watch it religiously, but these broads are a catty mess. I'm glad the season is over. Fatima looks like skeletor, Anya sounds like she has a disability, Dominique looks like a tranny (but she's my favorite for some reason), and Whitney is a bitch (good for her and her plight for the girls with ample frames though). The best part of this show is Ms. Jay - HANDS DOWN! When the hell is Project Runway restarting?!?!
---
I LOVE The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. The news is just boring now. All this ish about Barack and Hillary is draining. I can watch those two white men all day though.
---
Lost is starting to suck. The show is getting to be predictable and irritating. To think I spent all those weekends catching up on four and a half seasons for this ish. Booooooooooooooooooo.
---

I need to go read a book. Sheesh.

Chuuuuch!

2008-04-22T18:30:00.000-07:00

As much as I like to stay out of political news reports, I just HAD to post this. One of Bill O'Reilly's producers gets his ass handed to him by a Catholic priest, Father Pfleger on the subjects of Jerimiah Wright, Barack Obama, Louis Farrakhan, and Martin Luther King, Jr.

It's an amazing thing when truth is spoken to power. Word.

Watch it here.

Take that FOX!!!

Ugh

2008-04-21T18:29:00.000-07:00

Just read Mo'Kelly's blog on 50 Cent's "beef" with Alicia Keys. I am truly disgusted.

50 is an idiot and is shameless in making himself look even more like an idiot when he speaks to people in interviews. It's disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. I would add more, but it's only going to be a string of expletives with no real literary value - entertaining or otherwise.

This is the shit that makes me hate hip-hop. Honestly.

I finally have a goal...

2008-04-09T19:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, so after a series of unfortunate events, I've decided to get off my ass and seriously pursue getting the hell out of L.A. I love my city and all, but I need to get out of here. I wish I had done that for college, but hey, we all can't be winners.

Anyway, the destination du jour is San Francisco. I'm fresh off of a trip to the north coast of California - which has to be the most beautiful place(s) I've been to date - and I fell in love with the city. Sure it's cold and expensive as hell to live in, but given the clean air, effective transit system and overall groovy vibe, I can't help but want to go.

The fact that a good friend of mine is moving up there this month isn't helping.

I'll be engrossed in job and apartment searching. Y'all be cool.

And BTW - this natural product kick has my hair feeling better than ever. Shealoe is the truth. If only I could make it smell like chocolate...(enter the mixologist).

Just when I thought it couldn't get any better...

2008-03-25T19:30:00.000-07:00

Uncle Ruckus gets his own reality show:

Because it's my civic duty to post this...

2008-03-19T17:53:00.001-07:00

Feeling good, feeling great...

2008-02-28T20:27:00.000-08:00

MAN! Today was a good day and I'm feeling like the universe is trying to prepare me for something. No sooner than I had posted my last entry, I got a phone call from a placement co that I signed up with after my stint at FIDM (back in SEPTEMBER). They wanted to forward my resume to a company. A company that I would LOVE to work for. I submitted. I got an interview.

Stellar, right?

Soon thereafter, things at my present employer started to happen that made it look highly unsavory to me. Missing money from my paycheck, headbutts with coworkers, little things here and there. Coincidence? We'll see.

I'm so excited that I even got to interview. Getting this job would mean finally, FINALLY, beginning my career.

*sigh*

I'm so excited.

Outside of that, I've made the decision to only use natural products in my hair, so no more store bought stuff for me. I just got 2lbs if shea butter (they were like, $4 each!) and some oils from Madina and am excited to see what happens to my hair and skin in the process. I've heard such great things.

Overall, today was a good day. Tomorrow, I'm headed out to Debut, the FIDM fashion show featuring the 3rd year fashion design students and Saturday, I have a wedding to go to.

Life is feeling better. I like it.

And this is how I'm really feeling

2008-02-13T18:41:00.001-08:00

I swear...I'm so dissatisfied with my occupation right now. I paid out oodles and oodles of money to get a degree (2 actually) and am doing nothing related to either one. What's worse is that some of my friends who graduated with me are doing big.things.

I know I shouldn't try to compare my life with others, but sometimes I can't help but thinking that I've wasted so much time and effort to be where I am. It seriously depresses me sometimes. I could be doing so much more.

Then again, the future is unwritten, so who knows what's ahead. I do know, however, that something is bound to pan out for someone who busts their ass consistently with everything. I'm just tired of waiting and obstacles and setbacks and miscellaneous happenings that tie my hands and force me in a different direction.

Just had to vent.

And We're Back...

2008-02-04T21:50:00.000-08:00

And not in a good way.

My car, that I just got out of the shop for the sum of nearly $1,300, is back in the damn shop. For some reason unbeknown to me, my car decided not to start when I was ready to leave work today.
I seem to have the worst luck with cars. *sigh*

If this is more than a $350 fix, I'm getting a new car. Just like mom and sister apparently. There must be something in the water.

My dear mother...

2008-02-01T19:25:00.000-08:00

Just called me to let me know that she bought a "new" car. A Chevy Aveo. It's something she's been looking at for a few months now, so she went on a whim and got one.

If you knew my mom, you would know that this is the most out-of-character thing she has ever done.

Good Lord. What would Daddy think? LOL.

Wait 'Til I Get My Money Right

2008-01-30T21:07:00.000-08:00

I've finally got my financial plan down for the year. With a little help from MP Dunleavy and the MSN Money message boards (an absolute staple in my daily internet usage), I've sent the following goals:

- Build up an emergency fund ($2,000)
- Pay back a $3,200 personal loan
- Reduce my $41,000 (I KNOW...ugh) student loan debt by $6000
- Save $3000 for a down payment on a car
- Stop using credit cards unless I can pay the full balance at month's end
- Use cash only for all non-bills

Whether they're modest or ambitious, I can't say at the moment, but I'm hoping I can get all of it knocked out. Now, if I can only stick to this plan and still make it to Vegas next weekend for my friend's bachelorette party.

*sigh*

I swear I take one step and take two back. It's ok though. I'm feeling a little more in control now that my car is fixed.

*Just remembered that I have to pay to get that out, too. DAMNIT!!!*

Now I have to make the executive "can I afford Vegas" decision. Sure it'll be a weekend of fun and moments of semi-debauchery, but the main chick planning this is married to an NBL player and we're all supposed to stay at the Wynn...

Choices, choices.

What I'm Reading Now

2008-01-23T21:54:00.000-08:00

In an effort to increase the amount I read (and the trips to my current favorite bookstore/gallery/weird gift shop, La Luz de Jesus in Los Feliz), I thought I'd give a small update on the book that I'm currently getting into. This time, it's Hot Water Music by Charles Bukowski.

It's more a collection of several short stories than a traditional book, but it is damn.entertaining all the same. Interesting and extreme characters coupled with obscene language and circumstances are making this one a very fun one for me.

In an unrelated incident, it's raining like crazy in L.A. right now and my trusty, no power steering having car with over 176K miles on it decides to get a flat tire. Lovely. Sometimes I don't know if I should just cut my losses and get another one. The "buy-itis" (coined by my daddy - LOL) I am afflicted with wants a shiny new thing, but I've been so used to not having a car payment...decisions, decisions.

It seems that whenever I'm set to go one direction, something manages to find itself in my pathway, and screws up my plans. Story of my life...

So now that I'm 24...

2008-01-22T20:57:00.000-08:00

I'm finally feeling my age. Not physically, but mentally. This year has been dubbed "the year I get my ish together" and I'm off to a good start. I've broadened my personal horizons (in the past month I've eaten chapulines and buffalo - which is incredibly tasty), and I've stumbled upon some information that will hopefully bolster my finances to where my retirement savings will no longer be a worry of mine.

And if you're shaking your head at me worrying about retiring at the age of 24, you need to reevaluate your plans and get started putting some money away somewhere. Money saved now works a lot harder now than it will later on down the line.

Anywho, once I find out some more information I'll share, but for now, all I know is that it involves compounding interest - the concept that if I give you .01 today and double it everyday for a month you'll be *ahem* markedly affluent by today's non-celebrity standard.

Aside from that, I had a wonderful birthday weekend - got to see Eddie Izzard perform live at the Coronet, celebrated 100 episodes with my CostasWorld.com fam, and I went to the King Day Parade - which is always marked year in and year out by multiple fights.

*shrug*

Sometimes I just.can't.stand. black people. I swear. At one point during the parade, the Mayor of L.A. was running around greetign people (he always does this - LOL) and a teenage girl behind me asked "Who is that?"

I told her he was the mayor.

She replied, "So. People are out here acting like he's somebody."

"But he's the Mayor of Los Angeles."

"And? He ain't nobody."

Lawd Jeebus, help these children.

Guilty conscience

2008-01-11T20:26:00.000-08:00

So I just had to "cuss out" my cousin over email because of a quote that he mistook for an attack on his character.

I thought in nearly all black families, quoting Coming to America was something like a favorite pastime. I guess not. John Amos' line about Hakim needing to "stay off the drugs" if he wanted to keep working at McDowell's was taken WAY out of context, and someone decided to express his disdain at my comment.

FIRST OFF: The quote was an addendum to a response to something ridiculous he asked of me (i.e. "Are you serious? 'If you wanna keep ___, you need to stay off the drugs' ").

TWO: He's on that ooooooo weeeeeee every.time. I see him.

Now when someone calls b.s. on me, I'm woman enough to admit that I have faults. However, under no circumstance am I going to sit idly by while a hypocrite is telling me that I'm being inappropriate when I'm joking.

Foolishness. I just had to vent. LOL.

My birthday is next week. 24. Wow. I finally feel my age. I've always felt older for some reason, but this year, I'm feeling like I'm on an even keel with chronology.

My resolution (11 days old and all) is to get my financial life under control: paying down the $43,000 I owe in student loans (yay me!), creating a budget that I actually stick to, shunning my credit cards, and saving as much as possible.

Let's hope this all works out. I'll try and remember to update my progress with this endeavor.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

This Christmas

2007-12-25T19:53:00.001-08:00

I really didn't have much of an expectation - and in true form, I got what I thought I would.

Not much of anything.

I can't say that this was a particularly hard holiday, but it definitely wasn't the same. No tree, no family dinner, no cards exchanged, no dad. There were obligatory presents, but most were from myself and folks on the outside.

My mother, bless her heart, is trying. I can tell. But holidays aren't her thing. Never have been. And as much as I tried to infuse a bit of holiday cheer in everyone, I was met with monotone one worded answers full of indifference. I wish I could make it better for everyone.

At least I got to see my oldest sister who made a special trip down to see us since she wasn't having Christmas this year where she lives. It, honestly, was the highlight of this month. I don't often get to see all of my sisters in the same place at the same time.

Maybe next year will be better. Maybe not.

I didn't even get to hear Mr. Hathaway sing. Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Sorry I've Been AWOL

2007-11-19T19:53:00.000-08:00

October sucked.

The night of my dad's funeral, his mother (and my beloved Nana) also passed away. Back to back funerals can do a number on a person's psyche, let me tell you.

The good thing is that I'm doing alright. I've used this time to be completely selfish, shut myself off from the world and take a "me" break and find out what's really going on in my head. Since I've taken said action, I've been able to read a lot more (FINALLY), found a job (FINALLY), started blogging for an entertainment site (www.theUrbanSpin.com), and most importantly, I've discovered that my "edit button" is no longer in service. Somehow I feel more and more like I do myself a disservice when I don't speak up on stuff that I know I should. It's been incredibly freeing to finally be able to say what I want, think and feel.

Now I just have to work on doing it when it's inconvenient for me to do so. Word to that.

This time has also allowed me to broaden my horizons spiritually. I miss my dad like crazy sometimes, but I find that the zen precepts of "all is as it should be, nothing is missing," and "at this moment, everything is perfect," are keeping me from going the endless greiving route. Despite all that has happened, I know and understand that I can only live for now - the past is a distant memory and tomorrow doesn't exist - the only moment we truly have is the one right now.

Thanks for sharing yours with me.

Take care, and while you're on the compy, check out www.theUrbanSpin.com. You'll like it. I promise.

He's Gone

2007-10-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

I got home from lunch this afternoon at around 4pm. My grandma immediately told me to go to my mom upstairs and that something had happened to dad. I run up to see what's wrong. She tells me that dad had a heart attack at his office and the paramedics were there with a defibrulator.

That didn't sound good. But I figured my dad's a trooper and he would be ok. Mom and I found out where he was being taken and hopped in the car so that we could be there for him.

My mom and I got to the hospital only to be greeted outside of the ER by one of his colleagues. The way he took my mom's arm was all too telling. Her tears were even more telling. My daddy was gone.

I didn't even get to say "hi" to him this morning.

We stood out there for about 10 minutes trying to process what happened. I called my little sister. She was hysterical. I called my auntie. She wasn't too much better. All everyone could say was "NO! NO!" and I believed them. This couldn't be real. It couldn't be happening.
Not to my dad at least. He's like Superman. Impervious to all of this ish.

They called us into the hospital to sit in a room so the doctor could talk to us. He came in and told us things about "cardiac arrest" and "they did all they could" and "we did all we could" and "he didn't make it." They asked if we wanted to see him.

I lost it. But I knew that I would never forgive myself if I didn't take the opportunity to see him today. I had to. And if not for me, for my mother.

When I finally got enough nerve about myself to actually go in there and see him, I followed my mom into the room down the hall. There he was, on the bed with a respirator in his mouth. His eyes were still partially open.

My mom went to close them and kissed him on the forehead. I, on the other hand, defied reality and tried to wake him up.

"Wake up, daddy. Please. Don't do this. You can't do this. Please, wake up."

He wouldn't.

I shook him. I pleaded with him. I yelled at him to do this ONE THING for me.

But he didn't. He just lay there. Lifeless. My dad was dead. I closed his eyes myself, told him "I love you" for the last time in his ear and left the hospital.

I never thought it would happen so soon...I figured if it did happen, it would be like this, but had I known; if I would have even suspected that today would be the day that the first sight of my father would be of him lifeless on a gurney at Centinela Hospital, I would have done things differently. Much differently.

I haven't actually seen him since Tuesday when he popped his head in my room to say hi. Perfectly normal, but now I feel like shit. I haven't seen my dad alive since Tuesday.

I should have paid more attention to Jenkins' blog a few weeks ago. I should have taken that time to really reflect and appreciate the people I have around me. But I didn't. I've breezed in and out of the house, barely saying a word to anyone, let alone the first man in my life.
So to you, Daddy, now that you've crossed the threshold into another plane of existence (hopefully), I want to extend my apologies:

I'm sorry for yelling at you last week when we got into that big fight.

I'm sorry for not telling you how my day was last night because I was too lazy to come out of my room and actually see you.

I'm sorry for not showing you my FIDM report card because I thought it was a stupid thing to ask to see.

I'm sorry for not watching Jeopardy with you.

I'm sorry I didn't get up to say goodbye to you this morning.

I'm sorry that you didn't get to walk me down the aisle last weekend. I know how much that meant to you, so I'm sorry that me and Nathan didn't work out.

I'm sorry for worrying you on those nights I decided I didn't feel like coming home.

I'm sorry that you didn't get to see me become the woman that I am meant to become.

I'm sorry for not telling you "I love you" and for assuming that you already knew.

I'm sorry for complaining nearly everytime you asked me to do something.

This list could go on forever, but I know it won't do any good now. I just wish it would. I really wish it would.

DADDY...Please...Come back...

I miss you. I love you. Please...come back.

Is it just me...

2007-10-10T21:55:00.001-07:00

Or does blogger keep coming up with the title bar in Japanese? I don't get it. It's irritating as hell!

I didn't do anything. I swear! But for the last week, this has been happening.

That's all. Back to Top Chef.

Hair Update!!!

2007-10-09T20:14:00.000-07:00

Taking a cue from Ms. Natural Muze, I've decided to celebrate my nappturalness. My hair has been growing fairly well over the past few months (it's down to my collarbone!!!), although I am noticing a GRIP of split ends - the bad ones are split multiple times. It's sad to look at. I trimmed like three weeks ago...oh well.

Anywho, I'm loving where I am with my hair right now. I've now realized that the more product I use, the worse off I am. I've been using an takeoff on the bohemian method where I'm supposed to only co-wash and use a bit of leave in conditioner as the totality of my product for the day. I cheat sometimes and put in a little product if I'm feeling like I need a little more. Not often, but it happens. Sometimes. LOL.

The weather is changing so I'm probably going to get it braided soon (pray for my ends, PLEASE), but until then, my puff will delight the world with its fluffiness.

WHOO-HOO!

Saturday

2007-10-03T23:42:00.000-07:00

This weekend was supposed to go very differently.

Four months ago, the plan was for me to walk down a red aisle overlooking the Long Beach harbor with a man who I like to call "the one who isn't on myspace." I had three bridesmaids, he had three groomsmen. Pastor Fred Jr. was presiding. It was going to be a fairly warm day - he had checked 9 months in advance. All was good because my dress was strapless anyway.

After that we were going to celebrate our newly created union with friends and family members in a room outfitted in white, crimson, and coffee brown (it worked, believe me). We were even gonna bust out a little routine to a Rick James medley that would have been youtube worthy. I had the first part down.

Right after, we were hitting up LAX on a trip to Hawaii for a week. I'll leave the rest out, mainly because I hadn't had all that planned out yet. Then again, who does?
But that is no more. We are no more. And I am...

LAUGHING my ass all the way to the --- to sell what's left of the reminders I have of what was once to be.

$5* to the first person to guess what I'm talking about!

Any takers? Eh? Eh?

*Presuming this isn't my last $5, and it probably is...so we'll just have a laugh and call it even. OH YEAH.

I'm Good...

2007-09-25T19:04:00.000-07:00

Because I, I go for mine. I got to shine.

And as of yesterday, I'm throwing my hands way up in the sky.

I'm finally done. I can emerge from my hole victorious and with another degree. Thanks to all of my friends who put up with my sudden AWOL status in the most gracious of manners and to my fam who had to deal with me acting like a stranger in my own house.

I did it guys! Through mounds of work, projects galore, and outside hustles that would compare to those poor people on Design Star (gotta love it), I've done it. Cheers to me.

Welcome to graduation. And the real world grind.

Coming Up for Air

2007-09-22T00:58:00.000-07:00

1 to the 2, 2 to the 3, 3 to the 4, then you gotta *BREATHE*

The song used to go so hard. Anyway...

I'm almost done with it. School is officially over on Monday and I'm only a test shoot and a lamp away from washing my hands of my second go round at education I have to pay for out of my pocket. It's been a crucial two weeks, but as of today, I've actually had the time to sit back and enjoy the day, make plans for the weekend, and act as if (school) work has not completely consumed me.

I mean, it has, but it's been for a good reason. The Emmys gift suite came out VERY nicely and I came away with a nice amount of free stuff as a result. My portfolio is officially done (for now), Armani is no more, and my graphic submittal for a concept Sony store received some great feedback.

People have resorted to making appointments to see me starting in 2010, but it was all worth it. Sad...but worth it.

I'm coming out of hiding this weekend, and dammit, I'm gonna go out. There's some listening party with free champagne and chocolate covered strawberries somewhere in the mix - cheap and sexy on a Sunday night. Oh yeah.

RANDOM NOTE: I finally sold the wedding dress. I should have hit up ebay the first time, sheesh. I figured I wasn't going to use it, so someone else should be able to benefit. Eh? Eh? Now I have to figure out what to do with this engagement ring that a certain someone asks about the status of but never actually comes to pick up. Now I could keep it in the little box it came with in a safe place...or I could...umm...find something more constructive (read: lucrative) to do with it.

Or I could just call him on the day we were going to get married on (it's 2 weeks from today...wow) and tell him I've sold it. That would be hilarious.

Decisions, decisions.

Grin-DING

2007-09-11T03:05:00.000-07:00

Man...

I'm tired as all get out.

As I sit here at 3:00am STILL prepping stuff for my portfolio and thinking about the millions of projects (or so it seems) that are due in the next 2 weeks, I just realized that I need to sleep sometime this week.

Today ain't the day, but let's hope I get to it eventually. Between the aforementioned portfolio, a computer rendered electronics store proposal, a lamp (that yours truly must construct), a forthcoming test shoot, and designing an Emmy's gift suite (YAY ME!!! It's probably the most legit thing I've done ALL YEAR), I'm tapped...almost tapped the heck out.

Jesus be a co-pilot.

I can't wait until all of this is over. Then I can have my real job and not worry about projects...

...

...

...

That almost made me laugh out loud. Delirium is setting in. *sigh*

Pray for me, ya'll. I just need to make it to the 24th in one piece and of sound mind.

The Braids are GONE

2007-08-29T19:56:00.000-07:00

I just got finished taking these things out of my head with one of my favorite people - my grandma. I missed my hair so much...and it's grown. To think how I used to abuse the hell out of it makes me sad sometimes. Who knows what it would have looked like now if I didn't revert that first time...cutting off all this goodness only to get fried, dyed and faded every other week for $80 a pop...only to come home and sleep in the most uncomfortable of positions.

That's the masochism right there. LOL.

*sigh*

I guess we'll never know.

Either way, I feel a lot better in this ridiculous heat we've been tormented with in L.A. - sorry if you live in a hotter area of the good ol' US of A, but EYE am not used to 100+ degree weather. NOT.COOL. But I guess it'll be a little better since I got the extra weight off the back of my neck.

I also got a sweet picture of my grand-ma afterward. I absolutely adore this woman. She's the business. I wish you could meet her. It would change your life....well, maybe not, but I'd get a guaranteed laugh out of it either way.

That's her...with the stunner shades on. YOU GO CARMELITA!!!! (it's her middle name, but I love calling her that!)

You know what...

2007-08-25T01:24:00.000-07:00

I just realized that I remind myself of Lynn on Girlfriends. Not sure where to put my finger on that one, but it just popped in my head.

I don't know how to process that exactly, but ummm...yeah...

Uh...

Hmmmm...

I'll let you know how that one works out.

Progress...

2007-08-25T00:56:00.001-07:00

I love the feeling of payoff. Even if it might not be much, when it comes to the point where you've been working and pushing and striving for so long, anything is seen as a just reward, the payoff can be rated right up there with a Big Stick on a summer day.

*Note to self: Stalk the next ice cream truck I hear*

This has been a very trying year for yours truly. For some reason, though, I'm feeling sense of calm and optimism. I really can't go anywhere but up...seriously. I don't even want to run down the laundry list of stuff that wasn't supposed to happen, but I know that because of all of it, I'll be wiser for the wear...that or maybe I'll finally accept that God has a very twisted method of communicating with me. Call it irreverent, but He needs an iPhone or that silver Blackberry or something. This trial by fire thing is not the business.

Well, whatever it is, stuff is finally starting to look up. I'm still bent on making this my best.year.ever thusfar despite my bout with extreme broke-ness, unemployment (I go to school full time...and Armani ain't paying on the days I'm not in class), and alleged malnutrition. Jury is still out on that last one...I need a couple more weeks to make weight.

There was a point somewhere in all of this...Ah, yes! I finally got a job.

*Round of applause*

Sure it isn't on the career path (paving is still in the works), but Gordon Bennett, it's a move in the right direction. Score one for me.

Celebratory cocktail: Orange Brulee - if you ever are in the position where you can order this, please do. It's wonderful. Seriously.

I'm still aiming for N.Y., y'all. Even if all my ducks aren't in a row, I'm still going to make moves as if they are. Uncle Russy would be proud.

Lamentations...

2007-08-19T23:49:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I had NO idea that looking for gainful employment would be this hard. I mean...this SUCKS. I've heard more "we're not hiring"s in the past three days than I have in my whole life. All of this trapsing back and forth across Los Angeles County is definitely NOT the business.

They're lucky that gas has gone down.

No, I wasn't expecting something to be dropped in the palm of my hand (although that would be pretty freakin sweet at this point), but I'm in a bind right now and pounding pavement with no results is starting to take its toll on me. Funds are low and debts are high...and climbing higher still as I manage to conveniently forget every financial lession regarding responsible credit card use.

I know I'm going to make it. Losing really isn't an option at this point. But Gordon Bennett, I need some relief.

If you would like to contribute to the Help Alicia Pay Her Bills Fund, please e-mail me. Thank you and good day.

Just to Reaffirm

2007-08-09T21:56:00.000-07:00

Go get Uncle Russy's book.

It's seriously life-changing. Then again, I guess all books like this are supposed to be. LOL.

It's speaking to me a lot - more than I can say for other fare I've read in the past. There are tons of nuggets of wisdom that he's offering that are really about overall success in life with a heavy slant toward spiritual fulfillment. Lord knows I'm ALL for that.

I think I'm going to take up yoga. Something about this book just makes me want to line up my chakras.

Randomness...It's been a while

2007-08-08T20:20:00.001-07:00

I can't believe my life.

Well, actually I can. It's just the people and things in my life that are...interesting.

Scene #1:
What's really standing out in my mind right now is the barber who thought it better to "fix" my unkempt eyebrows by shaving half of one off. While razzing me the whole time I was in his chair. While he had a mini straight razor in hand.

I swear I felt like Mister in the Color Purple on that porch. What can you say back to someone that has a razor near your eyes, or in your face for that matter.

But to add insult to injury, he thought he did the best job he could given the dire state of my brows. RUDE!!!!

Scene #2:
I wrote this really long, and perhaps not well thought out, blog on the myspace and for some reason, it concurrently didn't post AND erased my piece. VERY UNCOOL. I had to do some mindless, violent computer game action to calm me down. I was beyond heated.

*slow breath*

Anyway, the jist was that somebody was justifying their infidelity with "slave men were bucks/breeders" rationale and I lost it. Absolutely lost it. I swear, black people and this propensity to blame personal ills on the institution that we are 400+ years removed from is ridiculous. True, it's had an effect on some things, but please don't try and pull that out your hat when trying to justify you being unfaithful to your wife, being lazy, or not trying to do better for yourself. Kizzy and Kunte don't control your life's circumstances, you do. Duh.

*Intermission*
I need to eat. My grandma is joning on me about how skinny I am. And she weighs a healthy sub-100lbs. That ish hurts.

Scene #3:
In other, happier news I have finished my two week endeavor, but have yet to put my newly acquired skills into practice. For some reason I have this thing about transitioning from school to working is hampering my efforts, but I really need to take the STFUADI attitude and move forward.

So I tell some people about this venture of mine and I'm met with entuhsiasm on one hand and "what the hell for?" on the other. I figure I'm just going to stop telling people stuff. I hAYTE being judged. Suckas.

Scene #4
And I'm dating a white guy. Always wanted to, but I can finally say that I am/have. HA! Score one for me. Mull over any commentary with the previous paragraph in mind - please and thank you.

Scene #5:
NY Update: I'm applying for jobs back on the east coast. Nothing has happened, really, but per Uncle Russy (whose book I am really liking right now), I think I'm going to start packing.

I need boxes. Damn. Why is there always something.

Golden

2007-07-30T00:27:00.000-07:00

I actually was able to get out of the house for a change. I got up with my girls (who I rarely get to see...so sad), and we all went to the beach.

I forgot how beautiful the drive up the California coastline is. Well, subtract the traffic, and you have a pretty freakin sweet ride.

We got up to Zuma Beach in Malibu and despite having to fight brids and bees, we had a really nice time relaxing, playing in the water, and forgetting about real life. I wish I had more opportunities to do that.

Thank God for sunblock. I got a pretty nice tan today.

I think I wanna do something different with my hair. Random, I know, but I think it's about that time. I guess it's in due form, though. I usually get the bug once every couple of years. More on that as it develops.

Side note: I was reading my horoscope in Allure and it said something to the effect of "Capricorns need to make rash decisions in order to curb self doubt." Seems like my life isn't so abnormal after all.

Double side note: Is it strange that I am completely over my ex-fiance? I really am. Feels like it happened AGES ago. Damn I work fast. LOL.

Hoes are irresponsible as hell

2007-07-24T22:51:00.001-07:00

Listen to http://www.theladiesshow.com/

It's good. Real good.

As for right now, things are going good. My car exploded this morning (no really...it did), but I got it fixed in the nick of time, praise God. Double school isn't as bad as I though it would be and I'm feeling pretty good. Sure I'm missing meals, but damn I feel productive.

2 weeks

2007-07-22T20:42:00.000-07:00

Through the fire and through the water...Everytime I hear that I think of Chaka Kahn.

For the next two weeks, I'll be embarking on a journey that involves me going to two different schools full time and interning. Should be lovely. I'll let you know how I fare.

Pray for me.

I'm focused, man

2007-07-15T21:19:00.000-07:00

So I had a "tough love" session with a friend of mine.

I was on the "wrong end" of the session, but it couldn't have come at a better time. It's funny how God works, and I swear He was speaking to me. I've never felt words pierce my heart and spirit they way that they did when I was told that I need to do better. I need to do better.

I'm so used to hearing how I'm doing well, knowing damn well that I could be doing so.much.more. Instead, I've been holding myself back. I've known that for a while now, but it was wild to hear it from someone else in the way that I did. I almost cried.

So here I stand, in the valley of decision - not choosing between whether or not to do a particular thing per se, but rather making the choice between living MY life or continuing on a path that is laid out for me by others.

So, for the sake of my personal development and growth, I've decided that I'm getting the f outta dodge. And by dodge, I mean Los Angeles. It's been on my heart to do so for years, and after being plagued time and time again by self-imposed doubts and second-guesses, I've decided to take my friend's advice and "shut the f--k up and do it." I'm too comfortable where I am and I'll never really move forward as long as I have an "out" in the form of this house and a family to glean everything from.

Come October, you'll see me in NYC. And if I have to take a Greyhound with $20 to my name and board up with relatives on the way to make it happen, so be it. I'm tired of sitting and talking about what I want to do. I'm tired of giving myself reasons why I can't do it, why I shouldn't do it, and why it's going to be horribly cold and crowded there. Screw it.

My mind is made up. And for those that know me, that's a hard thing to come by.

Why I'm NEVER going to Roscoe's

2007-07-15T17:18:00.001-07:00

Yeah, I said it. I'm never going to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles on Susent and Gower again. The love for the ecclectic mix of waffle and chicken is still there, but I can't take going to that establishment. It's painful. Like, sliding into salt and vinegar after tussling with a tiger painful. Like, having pushpins stuck into my skin one by one very.slowly. from head to toe painful. Like, watching BET's version of "The Hills" painful.

I'll recap the Reader's Digest version for you:

Before I got to the entrance with my friends who were visiting from out of town, I was called a "b*tch " for not responding to the cat calls of "Ay, bay-bay!" coming from an overdone truck driving by (I was texting and walking; paying attention to fools in cars was not on the menu at that moment).

When we got up to the door, we were told that the wait was 45 minutes. This is typical, but at 2:00am coming off of a long day, that wasn't really what I wanted to hear. Sure the place is the size of a shoe box with a newly added wing, but damn.

So, we're waiting outside among a sea of half-nekkid women with TERRIBLE weaves engulfing men that were extremely starved for attention. I mean, yelling to people 3 football fields away from them, making sure the wrist with the sparkly watch on it was in full view of everyone, taking off running for seemingly no reason, the whole nine. I was so undone. Then there was a 700-decibel argument about the aforementioned lay-ties being from the valley vs. Los Angeles (this is a big debate out this way...believe me). This mess was just ignorant.

I won't even mention the myriad of cars that passed by with radios up to 40, mashing out and looking out of the windows.

Stunting. In front of a restaurant. Wow.

An hour passed. We sat outside. For an hour. Outside. Having to look at all of this mess. For.An.Hour.

When we finally got in, the A/C was on full blast in the back...SO NOT COOL. Well, actually, it was quite cold, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, black folks post club were in full form: loud, ornery, and overloving. I'm going to need for men to not try to holla at people that are two tables away from them. I'm also going to need for people to learn how not to fill an entire room with the caucophany of their conversation about the night's dealings. I was trying to eat my waffle in peace. I really was.

We finally finished, but upon exit, my group was met with a near table's judgment on how the girls I was with compared to the women on Flavor of Love. I think I was Buckeey. Tiff was Pumkin, Ash was Hoopz. Lovely.

Thanks, guys. Thanks.

I think because I wasn't drunk and I haven't been out in a while, I forgot that this is normal Roscoe's on a Saturday night. Do better. Please and thank you.

It's Friday night

2007-07-13T21:11:00.000-07:00

And I'm at home. Doing homework.

This sucks.

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

2007-07-11T22:20:00.000-07:00

Just got back in from D.C. and I am tired as all get out.

Estatic, too.

I needed that trip. I finally got to do something that rarely occurs: what the f I wanted to. It was great. Truly a beautiful and fun place I went to.

I had a lot of time to reflect, refresh, and renew. I feel like a brand new woman. Well, as of this moment, I feel like passing out, but other than that, I'm great.

Take care, and let your hair down sometime in the near future. It'll do you good.

Side note: If you ever see me with Crown Royal in hand, slap me one good time. Please and thank you.

Emotional Rollercoaster

2007-07-05T00:37:00.000-07:00

Why am I so good at predicting my own future?

Last night I cried, tossed and turned
Woke up with dry eyes
My mind was racing, feet were pacing
Lord, help me please, tell me what I have gotten into

Ran my 3 miles to clear my mind
It always helps me out
It's my therapy when I'm losin' it
Which is usually, hey

I'm on an emotional rollercoaster
Lovin' you ain't nothin' healthy
Lovin' you was never good for me (For me)
But I can't get off

This emotional rollercoaster
Lovin' you ain't nothin' healthy
Lovin' you was never good for me (For me, oh)
But I can't get off

Yesterday I told myself
I was gonna be okay
Gonna start a new day, truly happy
I was gonna take control of me

But eventually reality hit me
Mentally, physically, emotionally
And I opened my eyes and realized
That I was still bein' taken for a constant ride on your

I'm on an emotional rollercoaster (Ooh, baby)
Lovin' you ain't nothin' healthy (For real, it's never happened for me)
Lovin' you was never good for me (Oh, but I can't get)
But I can't get off (Ooh...ooh...baby...)

Emotional rollercoaster (You got me goin' up and down)
Lovin' you ain't nothin' healthy (Oh)
Lovin' you was never good for me (Never good for me, ah)
But I can't get off

---

I never though this day would come. I thought that I possessed enough fortitude, enough of a barrier, and enough sheer will to get me through this.

I'm breaking.

Little by little, day by day, I am breaking. I feel it more and more everytime I look at a happy couple or I see something that makes me want to call him...and I do, but I don't get a response. Ever. I'm not trying to beg or plead. I just wanted to wish him a happy 4th of July. I just wanted to tell him about the 4 dudes that walked into the Saddle Ranch in speedos so he could say something like, "Oh, word?"

Still. No response. And it feels like someone punched me in the chest.

I don't think people understand that I lost my best friend. I've lost the one person who had a major hold on every part of me. And as much as I pray and pray and pray, I still can't get past the feeling that part of me is gone. As much as I know that I am a complete individual without him, this sh!t hurts. Bad.

So now, I've come to the point where I can't sleep until 3am. My appetite is damn near non-existent. And I'm doing hella compulsive stuff with my Visa that I have NO business doing. Depression? Who knows. But whatever it is, I need to get past it. I'm trying to get past it.

Right now, I don't know if I can.

Was it for the best? In truth, it certainly was. However, as we see with so many medications lately, the side effects can be more hellish than the original condition being treated.

Bear with me, y'all. I'm trying to get through this the best way I can.

Truly.

Happy 4th...

2007-07-04T11:45:00.000-07:00

It's hot outside. Really hot.

I'll post pics of whatever I plan to get into today - I can do that now. Heh heh heh.

If you go to a BBQ, make me a plate. I'm partial to potato salad, but we all know you can't eat everyones...

About that Dad of mine...

2007-07-03T21:34:00.000-07:00

It's funny how my dad works. To be honest, he's to blame for my bouts with indecision. Hours after I post the blog about him offering to loan me his camera, he advises me to get one after all. He then adds that he would put something on it.

Vivian, I feel you on Emotional Rollercoasters - I was a hot mess this afternoon/evening looking for something to buy. I decided on a Cybershot. Not the top of the line one, but a moderately priced version(re: the second cheapest one available). And it's still damn sexy.

I don't know what to file this under...took one step, took two back, but then I ended up passing Go anyway.

*shrug*

I'll take the "W." I already had a Cape Cod this evening, so do whatcha like. I'll be playing with my new toy.

The Art of the Re-Nig

2007-07-03T12:25:00.001-07:00

Umm, yeah...

So apparently, Circuit City can't ship my merch by the time I need it. Thank you early Americans for making July 4th the day you want to cut up and relieve the Redcoats. Jerks.

Anyway, I had to cancel my order. I was prepared to go out to Best Buy today, but Dad convinced me of otherwise (i.e. reminded me that I have no real job), and has offered up his camera for my use - and THAT camera is sexy...damn sexy. It's a Sony T50 Cybershot. The one with the thing in front that slides down to expose the lens / power on. It has a 3" LCD screen...a 3" LCD touch screen.

*sigh*

I now have to hang my head in shame. Not only did I do what most all Spades players can't stand, I am still camera-less...sort of. It's cool to borrow something - especially something that nice - but it's different when you have something of your own.

Word.

If anyone wants to contribute to my camera fund, let me know. If anyone finds my M525, sock the person you see it with. Please and thank you.

Overthinking...

2007-07-03T01:00:00.000-07:00

I'm a chronic overthinker.

It's a crippling disorder, I assure you. It has kept me from making many a move, and has caused me to turn away from open doors...and it sucks.

In an attempt to rid myself of this malady, I've decided to put an affirmation I saw in Essence Magazine into play; "Overthinking doesn't help me. Action does! Today I move forward." I think I effectively put that into practice today. You be the judge.

Tonight, at midnight, I bought a camera.

Sure this may seem like a mundane, and extremely random activity, but this is a major milestone for me. I've been considering getting a new camera since my M525 mysteriously disappeared between Northridge and my home somewhere near June 20th...whatever. Today, I was feverishly searching for a more compact, and downright sexier, sleeker replacement.

Parameters:
- I had to have it by this Thursday (more on this later...)
- It needed to be 5 MP or more
- It needed to look good
- It needed to be less than $200

Lovely.

I had the time of my life looking for a damn camera. Craigslist and eBay, as much as I love them both, were of little help. I turned to last Sunday's paper, but to no avail. Why is everything $3 million? I swear, you would think everyone is Ansel Adams as much as these things cost.

Anyway, at about 11 and some minutes in the PM, I got a good tip from a friend of mine and found a hot lil' camera. A Casio Exilim EXZ75. I've heard mixed reviews about it, but I figured nothing is going to be perfect for everyone. And it had a good enough rating on the Circuit City website.

Long story short, I proceed to checkout, enter all necessary info, and then I start to think about stuff. Stuff like how I really shouldn't buy this; how I've been running my credit card balance upward after working so hard to pay it off; about how I need a weekend job; about how this money could be better spent; you know...the usual stuff that ends up with you leaving a store empty handed. At that point, I did what I normally do in this situation: I asked my aforementioned friend if I should buy the camera.

*EPIPHANY* I need to stop doing this. Why do I have to ask permission to do something I want to do. I need the camera. It's under budget. It's sexy. So what's the problem?

Thank you, Essence. I took a deep breath and bought the camera. And it felt good. Really good. Like, gold medal ribbon ice cream on a hot day, good. It'll be here on the 5th. Somehow, you will reap the indirect benefits thereof.

People, you have license to celebrate with a martini. I've evolved.

Breathe

2007-07-02T20:07:00.000-07:00

I've finally made it. I've had my epiphany. I've realized that at the age of 23, I have no real clue about who I am.

Sure it took a broken engagement, a trip back to school after stagnant jobs, and a lot of church - both building and bedside - but at least I made it. Cheers to me.

This here blog is supposed to help me chronicle all of the little self discoveries that I plan to make. It should be a pretty interesting journey.

Welcome...to the Rebirth of Fly.