Wondering...

I had a "falling out" with a good friend yesterday. Actually, it was more of a "this is why you suck" session where I was the focus. I sat and got to hear how I've changed since going through a broken engagement, the back to back deaths of my father and grandmother, and the stunting of my career.

Hmmmm...

I was proud of myself for not getting defensive. I sat and took it, absorbed it, and calmly presented my rebuttle this morning. Normally, I'm one to say "f*ck it" and sweep the situation under the rug, but truth is, I have changed. I've become more focused on what makes me happy instead of pleasing other people. This shift in my personality has now made it impossible for me to shrug off a berating - especially when I don't agree with what is being said. This was one of those times.

I felt grown up with my newfound unction to take charge and actively resolve conflict.

Score one for me.

Something truly life changing...

While on one of my many frequented blogsites, Get Rich Slowly, I came across a link to another blog which has, in the span of less than an hour, changed the way I view the world and the limitations therein. The Art of Non-Conformity is a definite recommendation for those of you who are tired of an average life and are ready to do something remarkable with the time you are given.

I highly advise that you download and read the Brief Guide to World Domination (which the author Chris has made available for free-99) and seriously consider the information he has provided. Based on that manifesto and the article he contributed to Get Rich Slowly, I've made a commitment to contribute to kiva.org and am planning on how to go overseas - right now, I'm really feeling China after seeing the havoc that the recent earthquake wreaked on so many areas. I've always wanted to help, but for reasons I can only attribute to excuses and fear, I never managed to do much of anything after a major crisis hits an ill-prepared and underfunded region of the world.

And I'm still trying to find a way out of L.A. and up to San Francisco. I swear, I need to just jump on a plane and make a way when I touch down. It's about the best plan I could come up with, so I may just go that route. It's all just a matter of time now (*tenting fingers*).

Thank you for your writing, Chris. I only hope you are affecting many, but you have definitely affected me.

Perspective

I was browsing a blog dealing with debt (because I'm manically obsessive about it) and other issues, and I saw this in one of the entries:

"And I think the BIG issue here is that I am not requiring enough of myself. I have let myslef take the easy way out for a couple years. I have not set a major goal for myself. I have not been working toward anything substantial."

I stopped reading and really thought about that for about 48 seconds. I'm extremely guilty of the same. I make all these plans and goals and then don't stick with them. Then I wallow and cry about why I don't have the money to move to San Francisco like I want to. Or why I'm $41K in the hole because of student loans.

Well, and here's hoping, that's the end of that. I'm going to make a plan and stick to it. I'm going to be snowballing and snowflaking my way out of student loan hell which is scheduled to have me trapped until 2021. It's a big goal to start with, but if I don't focus, I'm going to be paying out the ass forever. I at least want to tackle it while my rent in L.A. is $350 a month (I got EXTREMELY lucky). In addition, I'm going to try and chart my progress here and blog more regularly overall. Yes, they will be even more random than they are now, but it'll be something new and fresh for the good folks who stop by to see my ranting (THANKS btw).

Wish me luck...

So I lost my engagement ring...

Not that I needed it because the wedding didn't exactly jump off, but today I lost my engagement ring. I blame it on the subprime meltdown that affected my mother's ability to afford our house after my father's untimely passing. This weekend was spent packing up boxes, our lives, and 16 years of memories.

Most of them anyway.

I first realized that it was gone when I was canvassing my room for the final time today, I was initially freaked out. I tried to remember when I'd hidden it with no luck. I called to see if it was with someone else. There's no telling at this point because most everything that was in my room is in a box or piled beneath tons of objects.

I started to freak out just a little bit, but then I remembered a conversation I had two days ago with my current beau. He's a widower and was telling me that he'd somehow lost all of his past wife's memorabilia. At first I thought, "damn, that sucks," but he believes that this was the best for him. He said that losing all those pictures, clothing items, and things helped him to move forward with his life. That thought made me wonder if I was holding on to too much of the past and not moving forward because of it. Not cool.

I decided to charge this one to the game and not worry about it. I wasn't using it and at present, I'm not all too keen on my ex, so hell - it's just gone. Congrats to the lucky SOB that happens upon my white gold princess cut diamond. Sucka.

I finally have a goal...

Ok, so after a series of unfortunate events, I've decided to get off my ass and seriously pursue getting the hell out of L.A. I love my city and all, but I need to get out of here. I wish I had done that for college, but hey, we all can't be winners.

Anyway, the destination du jour is San Francisco. I'm fresh off of a trip to the north coast of California - which has to be the most beautiful place(s) I've been to date - and I fell in love with the city. Sure it's cold and expensive as hell to live in, but given the clean air, effective transit system and overall groovy vibe, I can't help but want to go.

The fact that a good friend of mine is moving up there this month isn't helping.

I'll be engrossed in job and apartment searching. Y'all be cool.

And BTW - this natural product kick has my hair feeling better than ever. Shealoe is the truth. If only I could make it smell like chocolate...(enter the mixologist).

Feeling good, feeling great...

MAN! Today was a good day and I'm feeling like the universe is trying to prepare me for something. No sooner than I had posted my last entry, I got a phone call from a placement co that I signed up with after my stint at FIDM (back in SEPTEMBER). They wanted to forward my resume to a company. A company that I would LOVE to work for. I submitted. I got an interview.

Stellar, right?

Soon thereafter, things at my present employer started to happen that made it look highly unsavory to me. Missing money from my paycheck, headbutts with coworkers, little things here and there. Coincidence? We'll see.

I'm so excited that I even got to interview. Getting this job would mean finally, FINALLY, beginning my career.

*sigh*

I'm so excited.

Outside of that, I've made the decision to only use natural products in my hair, so no more store bought stuff for me. I just got 2lbs if shea butter (they were like, $4 each!) and some oils from Madina and am excited to see what happens to my hair and skin in the process. I've heard such great things.

Overall, today was a good day. Tomorrow, I'm headed out to Debut, the FIDM fashion show featuring the 3rd year fashion design students and Saturday, I have a wedding to go to.

Life is feeling better. I like it.

Wait 'Til I Get My Money Right

I've finally got my financial plan down for the year. With a little help from MP Dunleavy and the MSN Money message boards (an absolute staple in my daily internet usage), I've sent the following goals:

- Build up an emergency fund ($2,000)
- Pay back a $3,200 personal loan
- Reduce my $41,000 (I KNOW...ugh) student loan debt by $6000
- Save $3000 for a down payment on a car
- Stop using credit cards unless I can pay the full balance at month's end
- Use cash only for all non-bills

Whether they're modest or ambitious, I can't say at the moment, but I'm hoping I can get all of it knocked out. Now, if I can only stick to this plan and still make it to Vegas next weekend for my friend's bachelorette party.

*sigh*

I swear I take one step and take two back. It's ok though. I'm feeling a little more in control now that my car is fixed.

*Just remembered that I have to pay to get that out, too. DAMNIT!!!*

Now I have to make the executive "can I afford Vegas" decision. Sure it'll be a weekend of fun and moments of semi-debauchery, but the main chick planning this is married to an NBL player and we're all supposed to stay at the Wynn...

Choices, choices.

So now that I'm 24...

I'm finally feeling my age. Not physically, but mentally. This year has been dubbed "the year I get my ish together" and I'm off to a good start. I've broadened my personal horizons (in the past month I've eaten chapulines and buffalo - which is incredibly tasty), and I've stumbled upon some information that will hopefully bolster my finances to where my retirement savings will no longer be a worry of mine.

And if you're shaking your head at me worrying about retiring at the age of 24, you need to reevaluate your plans and get started putting some money away somewhere. Money saved now works a lot harder now than it will later on down the line.

Anywho, once I find out some more information I'll share, but for now, all I know is that it involves compounding interest - the concept that if I give you .01 today and double it everyday for a month you'll be *ahem* markedly affluent by today's non-celebrity standard.

Aside from that, I had a wonderful birthday weekend - got to see Eddie Izzard perform live at the Coronet, celebrated 100 episodes with my CostasWorld.com fam, and I went to the King Day Parade - which is always marked year in and year out by multiple fights.

*shrug*

Sometimes I just.can't.stand. black people. I swear. At one point during the parade, the Mayor of L.A. was running around greetign people (he always does this - LOL) and a teenage girl behind me asked "Who is that?"

I told her he was the mayor.

She replied, "So. People are out here acting like he's somebody."

"But he's the Mayor of Los Angeles."

"And? He ain't nobody."

Lawd Jeebus, help these children.

Guilty conscience

So I just had to "cuss out" my cousin over email because of a quote that he mistook for an attack on his character.

I thought in nearly all black families, quoting Coming to America was something like a favorite pastime. I guess not. John Amos' line about Hakim needing to "stay off the drugs" if he wanted to keep working at McDowell's was taken WAY out of context, and someone decided to express his disdain at my comment.

FIRST OFF: The quote was an addendum to a response to something ridiculous he asked of me (i.e. "Are you serious? 'If you wanna keep ___, you need to stay off the drugs' ").

TWO: He's on that ooooooo weeeeeee every.time. I see him.

Now when someone calls b.s. on me, I'm woman enough to admit that I have faults. However, under no circumstance am I going to sit idly by while a hypocrite is telling me that I'm being inappropriate when I'm joking.

Foolishness. I just had to vent. LOL.

My birthday is next week. 24. Wow. I finally feel my age. I've always felt older for some reason, but this year, I'm feeling like I'm on an even keel with chronology.

My resolution (11 days old and all) is to get my financial life under control: paying down the $43,000 I owe in student loans (yay me!), creating a budget that I actually stick to, shunning my credit cards, and saving as much as possible.

Let's hope this all works out. I'll try and remember to update my progress with this endeavor.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

Sorry I've Been AWOL

October sucked.

The night of my dad's funeral, his mother (and my beloved Nana) also passed away. Back to back funerals can do a number on a person's psyche, let me tell you.

The good thing is that I'm doing alright. I've used this time to be completely selfish, shut myself off from the world and take a "me" break and find out what's really going on in my head. Since I've taken said action, I've been able to read a lot more (FINALLY), found a job (FINALLY), started blogging for an entertainment site (www.theUrbanSpin.com), and most importantly, I've discovered that my "edit button" is no longer in service. Somehow I feel more and more like I do myself a disservice when I don't speak up on stuff that I know I should. It's been incredibly freeing to finally be able to say what I want, think and feel.

Now I just have to work on doing it when it's inconvenient for me to do so. Word to that.

This time has also allowed me to broaden my horizons spiritually. I miss my dad like crazy sometimes, but I find that the zen precepts of "all is as it should be, nothing is missing," and "at this moment, everything is perfect," are keeping me from going the endless greiving route. Despite all that has happened, I know and understand that I can only live for now - the past is a distant memory and tomorrow doesn't exist - the only moment we truly have is the one right now.

Thanks for sharing yours with me.

Take care, and while you're on the compy, check out www.theUrbanSpin.com. You'll like it. I promise.

I'm Good...

Because I, I go for mine. I got to shine.

And as of yesterday, I'm throwing my hands way up in the sky.

I'm finally done. I can emerge from my hole victorious and with another degree. Thanks to all of my friends who put up with my sudden AWOL status in the most gracious of manners and to my fam who had to deal with me acting like a stranger in my own house.

I did it guys! Through mounds of work, projects galore, and outside hustles that would compare to those poor people on Design Star (gotta love it), I've done it. Cheers to me.

Welcome to graduation. And the real world grind.

Grin-DING

Man...

I'm tired as all get out.

As I sit here at 3:00am STILL prepping stuff for my portfolio and thinking about the millions of projects (or so it seems) that are due in the next 2 weeks, I just realized that I need to sleep sometime this week.

Today ain't the day, but let's hope I get to it eventually. Between the aforementioned portfolio, a computer rendered electronics store proposal, a lamp (that yours truly must construct), a forthcoming test shoot, and designing an Emmy's gift suite (YAY ME!!! It's probably the most legit thing I've done ALL YEAR), I'm tapped...almost tapped the heck out.

Jesus be a co-pilot.

I can't wait until all of this is over. Then I can have my real job and not worry about projects...




...

...

...


That almost made me laugh out loud. Delirium is setting in. *sigh*

Pray for me, ya'll. I just need to make it to the 24th in one piece and of sound mind.

Progress...

I love the feeling of payoff. Even if it might not be much, when it comes to the point where you've been working and pushing and striving for so long, anything is seen as a just reward, the payoff can be rated right up there with a Big Stick on a summer day.

*Note to self: Stalk the next ice cream truck I hear*

This has been a very trying year for yours truly. For some reason, though, I'm feeling sense of calm and optimism. I really can't go anywhere but up...seriously. I don't even want to run down the laundry list of stuff that wasn't supposed to happen, but I know that because of all of it, I'll be wiser for the wear...that or maybe I'll finally accept that God has a very twisted method of communicating with me. Call it irreverent, but He needs an iPhone or that silver Blackberry or something. This trial by fire thing is not the business.

Well, whatever it is, stuff is finally starting to look up. I'm still bent on making this my best.year.ever thusfar despite my bout with extreme broke-ness, unemployment (I go to school full time...and Armani ain't paying on the days I'm not in class), and alleged malnutrition. Jury is still out on that last one...I need a couple more weeks to make weight.

There was a point somewhere in all of this...Ah, yes! I finally got a job.

*Round of applause*

Sure it isn't on the career path (paving is still in the works), but Gordon Bennett, it's a move in the right direction. Score one for me.

Celebratory cocktail: Orange Brulee - if you ever are in the position where you can order this, please do. It's wonderful. Seriously.

I'm still aiming for N.Y., y'all. Even if all my ducks aren't in a row, I'm still going to make moves as if they are. Uncle Russy would be proud.

Randomness...It's been a while

I can't believe my life.

Well, actually I can. It's just the people and things in my life that are...interesting.

Scene #1:
What's really standing out in my mind right now is the barber who thought it better to "fix" my unkempt eyebrows by shaving half of one off. While razzing me the whole time I was in his chair. While he had a mini straight razor in hand.

I swear I felt like Mister in the Color Purple on that porch. What can you say back to someone that has a razor near your eyes, or in your face for that matter.

But to add insult to injury, he thought he did the best job he could given the dire state of my brows. RUDE!!!!

Scene #2:
I wrote this really long, and perhaps not well thought out, blog on the myspace and for some reason, it concurrently didn't post AND erased my piece. VERY UNCOOL. I had to do some mindless, violent computer game action to calm me down. I was beyond heated.

*slow breath*

Anyway, the jist was that somebody was justifying their infidelity with "slave men were bucks/breeders" rationale and I lost it. Absolutely lost it. I swear, black people and this propensity to blame personal ills on the institution that we are 400+ years removed from is ridiculous. True, it's had an effect on some things, but please don't try and pull that out your hat when trying to justify you being unfaithful to your wife, being lazy, or not trying to do better for yourself. Kizzy and Kunte don't control your life's circumstances, you do. Duh.

*Intermission*
I need to eat. My grandma is joning on me about how skinny I am. And she weighs a healthy sub-100lbs. That ish hurts.

Scene #3:
In other, happier news I have finished my two week endeavor, but have yet to put my newly acquired skills into practice. For some reason I have this thing about transitioning from school to working is hampering my efforts, but I really need to take the STFUADI attitude and move forward.

So I tell some people about this venture of mine and I'm met with entuhsiasm on one hand and "what the hell for?" on the other. I figure I'm just going to stop telling people stuff. I hAYTE being judged. Suckas.

Scene #4
And I'm dating a white guy. Always wanted to, but I can finally say that I am/have. HA! Score one for me. Mull over any commentary with the previous paragraph in mind - please and thank you.

Scene #5:
NY Update: I'm applying for jobs back on the east coast. Nothing has happened, really, but per Uncle Russy (whose book I am really liking right now), I think I'm going to start packing.

I need boxes. Damn. Why is there always something.

Golden

I actually was able to get out of the house for a change. I got up with my girls (who I rarely get to see...so sad), and we all went to the beach.



I forgot how beautiful the drive up the California coastline is. Well, subtract the traffic, and you have a pretty freakin sweet ride.


We got up to Zuma Beach in Malibu and despite having to fight brids and bees, we had a really nice time relaxing, playing in the water, and forgetting about real life. I wish I had more opportunities to do that.


Thank God for sunblock. I got a pretty nice tan today.

I think I wanna do something different with my hair. Random, I know, but I think it's about that time. I guess it's in due form, though. I usually get the bug once every couple of years. More on that as it develops.


Side note: I was reading my horoscope in Allure and it said something to the effect of "Capricorns need to make rash decisions in order to curb self doubt." Seems like my life isn't so abnormal after all.

Double side note: Is it strange that I am completely over my ex-fiance? I really am. Feels like it happened AGES ago. Damn I work fast. LOL.

I'm focused, man

So I had a "tough love" session with a friend of mine.

I was on the "wrong end" of the session, but it couldn't have come at a better time. It's funny how God works, and I swear He was speaking to me. I've never felt words pierce my heart and spirit they way that they did when I was told that I need to do better. I need to do better.

I'm so used to hearing how I'm doing well, knowing damn well that I could be doing so.much.more. Instead, I've been holding myself back. I've known that for a while now, but it was wild to hear it from someone else in the way that I did. I almost cried.

So here I stand, in the valley of decision - not choosing between whether or not to do a particular thing per se, but rather making the choice between living MY life or continuing on a path that is laid out for me by others.

So, for the sake of my personal development and growth, I've decided that I'm getting the f outta dodge. And by dodge, I mean Los Angeles. It's been on my heart to do so for years, and after being plagued time and time again by self-imposed doubts and second-guesses, I've decided to take my friend's advice and "shut the f--k up and do it." I'm too comfortable where I am and I'll never really move forward as long as I have an "out" in the form of this house and a family to glean everything from.

Come October, you'll see me in NYC. And if I have to take a Greyhound with $20 to my name and board up with relatives on the way to make it happen, so be it. I'm tired of sitting and talking about what I want to do. I'm tired of giving myself reasons why I can't do it, why I shouldn't do it, and why it's going to be horribly cold and crowded there. Screw it.

My mind is made up. And for those that know me, that's a hard thing to come by.

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Just got back in from D.C. and I am tired as all get out.

Estatic, too.

I needed that trip. I finally got to do something that rarely occurs: what the f I wanted to. It was great. Truly a beautiful and fun place I went to.

I had a lot of time to reflect, refresh, and renew. I feel like a brand new woman. Well, as of this moment, I feel like passing out, but other than that, I'm great.

Take care, and let your hair down sometime in the near future. It'll do you good.



Side note: If you ever see me with Crown Royal in hand, slap me one good time. Please and thank you.

Overthinking...

I'm a chronic overthinker.

It's a crippling disorder, I assure you. It has kept me from making many a move, and has caused me to turn away from open doors...and it sucks.

In an attempt to rid myself of this malady, I've decided to put an affirmation I saw in Essence Magazine into play; "Overthinking doesn't help me. Action does! Today I move forward." I think I effectively put that into practice today. You be the judge.

Tonight, at midnight, I bought a camera.

Sure this may seem like a mundane, and extremely random activity, but this is a major milestone for me. I've been considering getting a new camera since my M525 mysteriously disappeared between Northridge and my home somewhere near June 20th...whatever. Today, I was feverishly searching for a more compact, and downright sexier, sleeker replacement.

Parameters:
- I had to have it by this Thursday (more on this later...)
- It needed to be 5 MP or more
- It needed to look good
- It needed to be less than $200

Lovely.

I had the time of my life looking for a damn camera. Craigslist and eBay, as much as I love them both, were of little help. I turned to last Sunday's paper, but to no avail. Why is everything $3 million? I swear, you would think everyone is Ansel Adams as much as these things cost.

Anyway, at about 11 and some minutes in the PM, I got a good tip from a friend of mine and found a hot lil' camera. A Casio Exilim EXZ75. I've heard mixed reviews about it, but I figured nothing is going to be perfect for everyone. And it had a good enough rating on the Circuit City website.

Long story short, I proceed to checkout, enter all necessary info, and then I start to think about stuff. Stuff like how I really shouldn't buy this; how I've been running my credit card balance upward after working so hard to pay it off; about how I need a weekend job; about how this money could be better spent; you know...the usual stuff that ends up with you leaving a store empty handed. At that point, I did what I normally do in this situation: I asked my aforementioned friend if I should buy the camera.

*EPIPHANY* I need to stop doing this. Why do I have to ask permission to do something I want to do. I need the camera. It's under budget. It's sexy. So what's the problem?

Thank you, Essence. I took a deep breath and bought the camera. And it felt good. Really good. Like, gold medal ribbon ice cream on a hot day, good. It'll be here on the 5th. Somehow, you will reap the indirect benefits thereof.

People, you have license to celebrate with a martini. I've evolved.