Thursday, July 5, 2007

Emotional Rollercoaster

Why am I so good at predicting my own future?

Last night I cried, tossed and turned
Woke up with dry eyes
My mind was racing, feet were pacing
Lord, help me please, tell me what I have gotten into

Ran my 3 miles to clear my mind
It always helps me out
It's my therapy when I'm losin' it
Which is usually, hey

I'm on an emotional rollercoaster
Lovin' you ain't nothin' healthy
Lovin' you was never good for me (For me)
But I can't get off

This emotional rollercoaster
Lovin' you ain't nothin' healthy
Lovin' you was never good for me (For me, oh)
But I can't get off

Yesterday I told myself
I was gonna be okay
Gonna start a new day, truly happy
I was gonna take control of me

But eventually reality hit me
Mentally, physically, emotionally
And I opened my eyes and realized
That I was still bein' taken for a constant ride on your

I'm on an emotional rollercoaster (Ooh, baby)
Lovin' you ain't nothin' healthy (For real, it's never happened for me)
Lovin' you was never good for me (Oh, but I can't get)
But I can't get off (Ooh...ooh...baby...)

Emotional rollercoaster (You got me goin' up and down)
Lovin' you ain't nothin' healthy (Oh)
Lovin' you was never good for me (Never good for me, ah)
But I can't get off


---

I never though this day would come. I thought that I possessed enough fortitude, enough of a barrier, and enough sheer will to get me through this.

I'm breaking.

Little by little, day by day, I am breaking. I feel it more and more everytime I look at a happy couple or I see something that makes me want to call him...and I do, but I don't get a response. Ever. I'm not trying to beg or plead. I just wanted to wish him a happy 4th of July. I just wanted to tell him about the 4 dudes that walked into the Saddle Ranch in speedos so he could say something like, "Oh, word?"

Still. No response. And it feels like someone punched me in the chest.

I don't think people understand that I lost my best friend. I've lost the one person who had a major hold on every part of me. And as much as I pray and pray and pray, I still can't get past the feeling that part of me is gone. As much as I know that I am a complete individual without him, this sh!t hurts. Bad.

So now, I've come to the point where I can't sleep until 3am. My appetite is damn near non-existent. And I'm doing hella compulsive stuff with my Visa that I have NO business doing. Depression? Who knows. But whatever it is, I need to get past it. I'm trying to get past it.

Right now, I don't know if I can.

Was it for the best? In truth, it certainly was. However, as we see with so many medications lately, the side effects can be more hellish than the original condition being treated.

Bear with me, y'all. I'm trying to get through this the best way I can.

Truly.

1 comment:

Anthony said...

Hey club...

I'm out of town but I hit up your post anyway to check up on ya. Yea, even the toughest of us have rough times during the trials and tribulations of life. I always think of everything as a learning experience though because in the end you come out a stronger and wiser person. I don't know him but he probably wanted to answer your call. Maybe he needs some time or something. I dunno. It's easy for someone on the outside to say "oh try not to be so down about it," but in reality sometimes it's kinda inevitable. You'll get over it though.

I'll be back on the 10th so maybe I could keep you company on G Talk on those late nights. lol. Maybe a dose of "Craig" will get your spirits up also. Hit me up if you need me. You know I gotcha back. :o)

--AK6