Golden

I actually was able to get out of the house for a change. I got up with my girls (who I rarely get to see...so sad), and we all went to the beach.



I forgot how beautiful the drive up the California coastline is. Well, subtract the traffic, and you have a pretty freakin sweet ride.


We got up to Zuma Beach in Malibu and despite having to fight brids and bees, we had a really nice time relaxing, playing in the water, and forgetting about real life. I wish I had more opportunities to do that.


Thank God for sunblock. I got a pretty nice tan today.

I think I wanna do something different with my hair. Random, I know, but I think it's about that time. I guess it's in due form, though. I usually get the bug once every couple of years. More on that as it develops.


Side note: I was reading my horoscope in Allure and it said something to the effect of "Capricorns need to make rash decisions in order to curb self doubt." Seems like my life isn't so abnormal after all.

Double side note: Is it strange that I am completely over my ex-fiance? I really am. Feels like it happened AGES ago. Damn I work fast. LOL.

Hoes are irresponsible as hell

Listen to http://www.theladiesshow.com/

It's good. Real good.


As for right now, things are going good. My car exploded this morning (no really...it did), but I got it fixed in the nick of time, praise God. Double school isn't as bad as I though it would be and I'm feeling pretty good. Sure I'm missing meals, but damn I feel productive.

2 weeks

Through the fire and through the water...Everytime I hear that I think of Chaka Kahn.

For the next two weeks, I'll be embarking on a journey that involves me going to two different schools full time and interning. Should be lovely. I'll let you know how I fare.

Pray for me.

I'm focused, man

So I had a "tough love" session with a friend of mine.

I was on the "wrong end" of the session, but it couldn't have come at a better time. It's funny how God works, and I swear He was speaking to me. I've never felt words pierce my heart and spirit they way that they did when I was told that I need to do better. I need to do better.

I'm so used to hearing how I'm doing well, knowing damn well that I could be doing so.much.more. Instead, I've been holding myself back. I've known that for a while now, but it was wild to hear it from someone else in the way that I did. I almost cried.

So here I stand, in the valley of decision - not choosing between whether or not to do a particular thing per se, but rather making the choice between living MY life or continuing on a path that is laid out for me by others.

So, for the sake of my personal development and growth, I've decided that I'm getting the f outta dodge. And by dodge, I mean Los Angeles. It's been on my heart to do so for years, and after being plagued time and time again by self-imposed doubts and second-guesses, I've decided to take my friend's advice and "shut the f--k up and do it." I'm too comfortable where I am and I'll never really move forward as long as I have an "out" in the form of this house and a family to glean everything from.

Come October, you'll see me in NYC. And if I have to take a Greyhound with $20 to my name and board up with relatives on the way to make it happen, so be it. I'm tired of sitting and talking about what I want to do. I'm tired of giving myself reasons why I can't do it, why I shouldn't do it, and why it's going to be horribly cold and crowded there. Screw it.

My mind is made up. And for those that know me, that's a hard thing to come by.

Why I'm NEVER going to Roscoe's

Yeah, I said it. I'm never going to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles on Susent and Gower again. The love for the ecclectic mix of waffle and chicken is still there, but I can't take going to that establishment. It's painful. Like, sliding into salt and vinegar after tussling with a tiger painful. Like, having pushpins stuck into my skin one by one very.slowly. from head to toe painful. Like, watching BET's version of "The Hills" painful.

I'll recap the Reader's Digest version for you:

Before I got to the entrance with my friends who were visiting from out of town, I was called a "b*tch " for not responding to the cat calls of "Ay, bay-bay!" coming from an overdone truck driving by (I was texting and walking; paying attention to fools in cars was not on the menu at that moment).

When we got up to the door, we were told that the wait was 45 minutes. This is typical, but at 2:00am coming off of a long day, that wasn't really what I wanted to hear. Sure the place is the size of a shoe box with a newly added wing, but damn.

So, we're waiting outside among a sea of half-nekkid women with TERRIBLE weaves engulfing men that were extremely starved for attention. I mean, yelling to people 3 football fields away from them, making sure the wrist with the sparkly watch on it was in full view of everyone, taking off running for seemingly no reason, the whole nine. I was so undone. Then there was a 700-decibel argument about the aforementioned lay-ties being from the valley vs. Los Angeles (this is a big debate out this way...believe me). This mess was just ignorant.

I won't even mention the myriad of cars that passed by with radios up to 40, mashing out and looking out of the windows.

Stunting. In front of a restaurant. Wow.

An hour passed. We sat outside. For an hour. Outside. Having to look at all of this mess. For.An.Hour.

When we finally got in, the A/C was on full blast in the back...SO NOT COOL. Well, actually, it was quite cold, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, black folks post club were in full form: loud, ornery, and overloving. I'm going to need for men to not try to holla at people that are two tables away from them. I'm also going to need for people to learn how not to fill an entire room with the caucophany of their conversation about the night's dealings. I was trying to eat my waffle in peace. I really was.

We finally finished, but upon exit, my group was met with a near table's judgment on how the girls I was with compared to the women on Flavor of Love. I think I was Buckeey. Tiff was Pumkin, Ash was Hoopz. Lovely.

Thanks, guys. Thanks.

I think because I wasn't drunk and I haven't been out in a while, I forgot that this is normal Roscoe's on a Saturday night. Do better. Please and thank you.

It's Friday night

And I'm at home. Doing homework.

This sucks.

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Just got back in from D.C. and I am tired as all get out.

Estatic, too.

I needed that trip. I finally got to do something that rarely occurs: what the f I wanted to. It was great. Truly a beautiful and fun place I went to.

I had a lot of time to reflect, refresh, and renew. I feel like a brand new woman. Well, as of this moment, I feel like passing out, but other than that, I'm great.

Take care, and let your hair down sometime in the near future. It'll do you good.



Side note: If you ever see me with Crown Royal in hand, slap me one good time. Please and thank you.

Emotional Rollercoaster

Why am I so good at predicting my own future?

Last night I cried, tossed and turned
Woke up with dry eyes
My mind was racing, feet were pacing
Lord, help me please, tell me what I have gotten into

Ran my 3 miles to clear my mind
It always helps me out
It's my therapy when I'm losin' it
Which is usually, hey

I'm on an emotional rollercoaster
Lovin' you ain't nothin' healthy
Lovin' you was never good for me (For me)
But I can't get off

This emotional rollercoaster
Lovin' you ain't nothin' healthy
Lovin' you was never good for me (For me, oh)
But I can't get off

Yesterday I told myself
I was gonna be okay
Gonna start a new day, truly happy
I was gonna take control of me

But eventually reality hit me
Mentally, physically, emotionally
And I opened my eyes and realized
That I was still bein' taken for a constant ride on your

I'm on an emotional rollercoaster (Ooh, baby)
Lovin' you ain't nothin' healthy (For real, it's never happened for me)
Lovin' you was never good for me (Oh, but I can't get)
But I can't get off (Ooh...ooh...baby...)

Emotional rollercoaster (You got me goin' up and down)
Lovin' you ain't nothin' healthy (Oh)
Lovin' you was never good for me (Never good for me, ah)
But I can't get off

---

I never though this day would come. I thought that I possessed enough fortitude, enough of a barrier, and enough sheer will to get me through this.

I'm breaking.

Little by little, day by day, I am breaking. I feel it more and more everytime I look at a happy couple or I see something that makes me want to call him...and I do, but I don't get a response. Ever. I'm not trying to beg or plead. I just wanted to wish him a happy 4th of July. I just wanted to tell him about the 4 dudes that walked into the Saddle Ranch in speedos so he could say something like, "Oh, word?"

Still. No response. And it feels like someone punched me in the chest.

I don't think people understand that I lost my best friend. I've lost the one person who had a major hold on every part of me. And as much as I pray and pray and pray, I still can't get past the feeling that part of me is gone. As much as I know that I am a complete individual without him, this sh!t hurts. Bad.

So now, I've come to the point where I can't sleep until 3am. My appetite is damn near non-existent. And I'm doing hella compulsive stuff with my Visa that I have NO business doing. Depression? Who knows. But whatever it is, I need to get past it. I'm trying to get past it.

Right now, I don't know if I can.

Was it for the best? In truth, it certainly was. However, as we see with so many medications lately, the side effects can be more hellish than the original condition being treated.

Bear with me, y'all. I'm trying to get through this the best way I can.

Truly.

Happy 4th...

It's hot outside. Really hot.

I'll post pics of whatever I plan to get into today - I can do that now. Heh heh heh.

If you go to a BBQ, make me a plate. I'm partial to potato salad, but we all know you can't eat everyones...

About that Dad of mine...

It's funny how my dad works. To be honest, he's to blame for my bouts with indecision. Hours after I post the blog about him offering to loan me his camera, he advises me to get one after all. He then adds that he would put something on it.

Vivian, I feel you on Emotional Rollercoasters - I was a hot mess this afternoon/evening looking for something to buy. I decided on a Cybershot. Not the top of the line one, but a moderately priced version(re: the second cheapest one available). And it's still damn sexy.

I don't know what to file this under...took one step, took two back, but then I ended up passing Go anyway.

*shrug*

I'll take the "W." I already had a Cape Cod this evening, so do whatcha like. I'll be playing with my new toy.

The Art of the Re-Nig

Umm, yeah...

So apparently, Circuit City can't ship my merch by the time I need it. Thank you early Americans for making July 4th the day you want to cut up and relieve the Redcoats. Jerks.

Anyway, I had to cancel my order. I was prepared to go out to Best Buy today, but Dad convinced me of otherwise (i.e. reminded me that I have no real job), and has offered up his camera for my use - and THAT camera is sexy...damn sexy. It's a Sony T50 Cybershot. The one with the thing in front that slides down to expose the lens / power on. It has a 3" LCD screen...a 3" LCD touch screen.

*sigh*

I now have to hang my head in shame. Not only did I do what most all Spades players can't stand, I am still camera-less...sort of. It's cool to borrow something - especially something that nice - but it's different when you have something of your own.

Word.

If anyone wants to contribute to my camera fund, let me know. If anyone finds my M525, sock the person you see it with. Please and thank you.

Overthinking...

I'm a chronic overthinker.

It's a crippling disorder, I assure you. It has kept me from making many a move, and has caused me to turn away from open doors...and it sucks.

In an attempt to rid myself of this malady, I've decided to put an affirmation I saw in Essence Magazine into play; "Overthinking doesn't help me. Action does! Today I move forward." I think I effectively put that into practice today. You be the judge.

Tonight, at midnight, I bought a camera.

Sure this may seem like a mundane, and extremely random activity, but this is a major milestone for me. I've been considering getting a new camera since my M525 mysteriously disappeared between Northridge and my home somewhere near June 20th...whatever. Today, I was feverishly searching for a more compact, and downright sexier, sleeker replacement.

Parameters:
- I had to have it by this Thursday (more on this later...)
- It needed to be 5 MP or more
- It needed to look good
- It needed to be less than $200

Lovely.

I had the time of my life looking for a damn camera. Craigslist and eBay, as much as I love them both, were of little help. I turned to last Sunday's paper, but to no avail. Why is everything $3 million? I swear, you would think everyone is Ansel Adams as much as these things cost.

Anyway, at about 11 and some minutes in the PM, I got a good tip from a friend of mine and found a hot lil' camera. A Casio Exilim EXZ75. I've heard mixed reviews about it, but I figured nothing is going to be perfect for everyone. And it had a good enough rating on the Circuit City website.

Long story short, I proceed to checkout, enter all necessary info, and then I start to think about stuff. Stuff like how I really shouldn't buy this; how I've been running my credit card balance upward after working so hard to pay it off; about how I need a weekend job; about how this money could be better spent; you know...the usual stuff that ends up with you leaving a store empty handed. At that point, I did what I normally do in this situation: I asked my aforementioned friend if I should buy the camera.

*EPIPHANY* I need to stop doing this. Why do I have to ask permission to do something I want to do. I need the camera. It's under budget. It's sexy. So what's the problem?

Thank you, Essence. I took a deep breath and bought the camera. And it felt good. Really good. Like, gold medal ribbon ice cream on a hot day, good. It'll be here on the 5th. Somehow, you will reap the indirect benefits thereof.

People, you have license to celebrate with a martini. I've evolved.

Breathe

I've finally made it. I've had my epiphany. I've realized that at the age of 23, I have no real clue about who I am.

Sure it took a broken engagement, a trip back to school after stagnant jobs, and a lot of church - both building and bedside - but at least I made it. Cheers to me.

This here blog is supposed to help me chronicle all of the little self discoveries that I plan to make. It should be a pretty interesting journey.

Welcome...to the Rebirth of Fly.