Wait 'Til I Get My Money Right

I've finally got my financial plan down for the year. With a little help from MP Dunleavy and the MSN Money message boards (an absolute staple in my daily internet usage), I've sent the following goals:

- Build up an emergency fund ($2,000)
- Pay back a $3,200 personal loan
- Reduce my $41,000 (I KNOW...ugh) student loan debt by $6000
- Save $3000 for a down payment on a car
- Stop using credit cards unless I can pay the full balance at month's end
- Use cash only for all non-bills

Whether they're modest or ambitious, I can't say at the moment, but I'm hoping I can get all of it knocked out. Now, if I can only stick to this plan and still make it to Vegas next weekend for my friend's bachelorette party.

*sigh*

I swear I take one step and take two back. It's ok though. I'm feeling a little more in control now that my car is fixed.

*Just remembered that I have to pay to get that out, too. DAMNIT!!!*

Now I have to make the executive "can I afford Vegas" decision. Sure it'll be a weekend of fun and moments of semi-debauchery, but the main chick planning this is married to an NBL player and we're all supposed to stay at the Wynn...

Choices, choices.

What I'm Reading Now

In an effort to increase the amount I read (and the trips to my current favorite bookstore/gallery/weird gift shop, La Luz de Jesus in Los Feliz), I thought I'd give a small update on the book that I'm currently getting into. This time, it's Hot Water Music by Charles Bukowski.


It's more a collection of several short stories than a traditional book, but it is damn.entertaining all the same. Interesting and extreme characters coupled with obscene language and circumstances are making this one a very fun one for me.


In an unrelated incident, it's raining like crazy in L.A. right now and my trusty, no power steering having car with over 176K miles on it decides to get a flat tire. Lovely. Sometimes I don't know if I should just cut my losses and get another one. The "buy-itis" (coined by my daddy - LOL) I am afflicted with wants a shiny new thing, but I've been so used to not having a car payment...decisions, decisions.

It seems that whenever I'm set to go one direction, something manages to find itself in my pathway, and screws up my plans. Story of my life...

So now that I'm 24...

I'm finally feeling my age. Not physically, but mentally. This year has been dubbed "the year I get my ish together" and I'm off to a good start. I've broadened my personal horizons (in the past month I've eaten chapulines and buffalo - which is incredibly tasty), and I've stumbled upon some information that will hopefully bolster my finances to where my retirement savings will no longer be a worry of mine.

And if you're shaking your head at me worrying about retiring at the age of 24, you need to reevaluate your plans and get started putting some money away somewhere. Money saved now works a lot harder now than it will later on down the line.

Anywho, once I find out some more information I'll share, but for now, all I know is that it involves compounding interest - the concept that if I give you .01 today and double it everyday for a month you'll be *ahem* markedly affluent by today's non-celebrity standard.

Aside from that, I had a wonderful birthday weekend - got to see Eddie Izzard perform live at the Coronet, celebrated 100 episodes with my CostasWorld.com fam, and I went to the King Day Parade - which is always marked year in and year out by multiple fights.

*shrug*

Sometimes I just.can't.stand. black people. I swear. At one point during the parade, the Mayor of L.A. was running around greetign people (he always does this - LOL) and a teenage girl behind me asked "Who is that?"

I told her he was the mayor.

She replied, "So. People are out here acting like he's somebody."

"But he's the Mayor of Los Angeles."

"And? He ain't nobody."

Lawd Jeebus, help these children.

Guilty conscience

So I just had to "cuss out" my cousin over email because of a quote that he mistook for an attack on his character.

I thought in nearly all black families, quoting Coming to America was something like a favorite pastime. I guess not. John Amos' line about Hakim needing to "stay off the drugs" if he wanted to keep working at McDowell's was taken WAY out of context, and someone decided to express his disdain at my comment.

FIRST OFF: The quote was an addendum to a response to something ridiculous he asked of me (i.e. "Are you serious? 'If you wanna keep ___, you need to stay off the drugs' ").

TWO: He's on that ooooooo weeeeeee every.time. I see him.

Now when someone calls b.s. on me, I'm woman enough to admit that I have faults. However, under no circumstance am I going to sit idly by while a hypocrite is telling me that I'm being inappropriate when I'm joking.

Foolishness. I just had to vent. LOL.

My birthday is next week. 24. Wow. I finally feel my age. I've always felt older for some reason, but this year, I'm feeling like I'm on an even keel with chronology.

My resolution (11 days old and all) is to get my financial life under control: paying down the $43,000 I owe in student loans (yay me!), creating a budget that I actually stick to, shunning my credit cards, and saving as much as possible.

Let's hope this all works out. I'll try and remember to update my progress with this endeavor.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

This Christmas

I really didn't have much of an expectation - and in true form, I got what I thought I would.

Not much of anything.

I can't say that this was a particularly hard holiday, but it definitely wasn't the same. No tree, no family dinner, no cards exchanged, no dad. There were obligatory presents, but most were from myself and folks on the outside.

My mother, bless her heart, is trying. I can tell. But holidays aren't her thing. Never have been. And as much as I tried to infuse a bit of holiday cheer in everyone, I was met with monotone one worded answers full of indifference. I wish I could make it better for everyone.

At least I got to see my oldest sister who made a special trip down to see us since she wasn't having Christmas this year where she lives. It, honestly, was the highlight of this month. I don't often get to see all of my sisters in the same place at the same time.

Maybe next year will be better. Maybe not.

I didn't even get to hear Mr. Hathaway sing. Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Sorry I've Been AWOL

October sucked.

The night of my dad's funeral, his mother (and my beloved Nana) also passed away. Back to back funerals can do a number on a person's psyche, let me tell you.

The good thing is that I'm doing alright. I've used this time to be completely selfish, shut myself off from the world and take a "me" break and find out what's really going on in my head. Since I've taken said action, I've been able to read a lot more (FINALLY), found a job (FINALLY), started blogging for an entertainment site (www.theUrbanSpin.com), and most importantly, I've discovered that my "edit button" is no longer in service. Somehow I feel more and more like I do myself a disservice when I don't speak up on stuff that I know I should. It's been incredibly freeing to finally be able to say what I want, think and feel.

Now I just have to work on doing it when it's inconvenient for me to do so. Word to that.

This time has also allowed me to broaden my horizons spiritually. I miss my dad like crazy sometimes, but I find that the zen precepts of "all is as it should be, nothing is missing," and "at this moment, everything is perfect," are keeping me from going the endless greiving route. Despite all that has happened, I know and understand that I can only live for now - the past is a distant memory and tomorrow doesn't exist - the only moment we truly have is the one right now.

Thanks for sharing yours with me.

Take care, and while you're on the compy, check out www.theUrbanSpin.com. You'll like it. I promise.

He's Gone

I got home from lunch this afternoon at around 4pm. My grandma immediately told me to go to my mom upstairs and that something had happened to dad. I run up to see what's wrong. She tells me that dad had a heart attack at his office and the paramedics were there with a defibrulator.

That didn't sound good. But I figured my dad's a trooper and he would be ok. Mom and I found out where he was being taken and hopped in the car so that we could be there for him.

My mom and I got to the hospital only to be greeted outside of the ER by one of his colleagues. The way he took my mom's arm was all too telling. Her tears were even more telling. My daddy was gone.

I didn't even get to say "hi" to him this morning.

We stood out there for about 10 minutes trying to process what happened. I called my little sister. She was hysterical. I called my auntie. She wasn't too much better. All everyone could say was "NO! NO!" and I believed them. This couldn't be real. It couldn't be happening.
Not to my dad at least. He's like Superman. Impervious to all of this ish.

They called us into the hospital to sit in a room so the doctor could talk to us. He came in and told us things about "cardiac arrest" and "they did all they could" and "we did all we could" and "he didn't make it." They asked if we wanted to see him.

I lost it. But I knew that I would never forgive myself if I didn't take the opportunity to see him today. I had to. And if not for me, for my mother.

When I finally got enough nerve about myself to actually go in there and see him, I followed my mom into the room down the hall. There he was, on the bed with a respirator in his mouth. His eyes were still partially open.

My mom went to close them and kissed him on the forehead. I, on the other hand, defied reality and tried to wake him up.

"Wake up, daddy. Please. Don't do this. You can't do this. Please, wake up."

He wouldn't.

I shook him. I pleaded with him. I yelled at him to do this ONE THING for me.

But he didn't. He just lay there. Lifeless. My dad was dead. I closed his eyes myself, told him "I love you" for the last time in his ear and left the hospital.

I never thought it would happen so soon...I figured if it did happen, it would be like this, but had I known; if I would have even suspected that today would be the day that the first sight of my father would be of him lifeless on a gurney at Centinela Hospital, I would have done things differently. Much differently.

I haven't actually seen him since Tuesday when he popped his head in my room to say hi. Perfectly normal, but now I feel like shit. I haven't seen my dad alive since Tuesday.

I should have paid more attention to Jenkins' blog a few weeks ago. I should have taken that time to really reflect and appreciate the people I have around me. But I didn't. I've breezed in and out of the house, barely saying a word to anyone, let alone the first man in my life.
So to you, Daddy, now that you've crossed the threshold into another plane of existence (hopefully), I want to extend my apologies:

I'm sorry for yelling at you last week when we got into that big fight.

I'm sorry for not telling you how my day was last night because I was too lazy to come out of my room and actually see you.

I'm sorry for not showing you my FIDM report card because I thought it was a stupid thing to ask to see.

I'm sorry for not watching Jeopardy with you.

I'm sorry I didn't get up to say goodbye to you this morning.

I'm sorry that you didn't get to walk me down the aisle last weekend. I know how much that meant to you, so I'm sorry that me and Nathan didn't work out.

I'm sorry for worrying you on those nights I decided I didn't feel like coming home.

I'm sorry that you didn't get to see me become the woman that I am meant to become.

I'm sorry for not telling you "I love you" and for assuming that you already knew.

I'm sorry for complaining nearly everytime you asked me to do something.

This list could go on forever, but I know it won't do any good now. I just wish it would. I really wish it would.

DADDY...Please...Come back...

I miss you. I love you. Please...come back.

Is it just me...

Or does blogger keep coming up with the title bar in Japanese? I don't get it. It's irritating as hell!

I didn't do anything. I swear! But for the last week, this has been happening.


That's all. Back to Top Chef.

Hair Update!!!

Taking a cue from Ms. Natural Muze, I've decided to celebrate my nappturalness. My hair has been growing fairly well over the past few months (it's down to my collarbone!!!), although I am noticing a GRIP of split ends - the bad ones are split multiple times. It's sad to look at. I trimmed like three weeks ago...oh well.


Anywho, I'm loving where I am with my hair right now. I've now realized that the more product I use, the worse off I am. I've been using an takeoff on the bohemian method where I'm supposed to only co-wash and use a bit of leave in conditioner as the totality of my product for the day. I cheat sometimes and put in a little product if I'm feeling like I need a little more. Not often, but it happens. Sometimes. LOL.



The weather is changing so I'm probably going to get it braided soon (pray for my ends, PLEASE), but until then, my puff will delight the world with its fluffiness.


WHOO-HOO!

Saturday

This weekend was supposed to go very differently.

Four months ago, the plan was for me to walk down a red aisle overlooking the Long Beach harbor with a man who I like to call "the one who isn't on myspace." I had three bridesmaids, he had three groomsmen. Pastor Fred Jr. was presiding. It was going to be a fairly warm day - he had checked 9 months in advance. All was good because my dress was strapless anyway.

After that we were going to celebrate our newly created union with friends and family members in a room outfitted in white, crimson, and coffee brown (it worked, believe me). We were even gonna bust out a little routine to a Rick James medley that would have been youtube worthy. I had the first part down.

Right after, we were hitting up LAX on a trip to Hawaii for a week. I'll leave the rest out, mainly because I hadn't had all that planned out yet. Then again, who does?
But that is no more. We are no more. And I am...







LAUGHING my ass all the way to the --- to sell what's left of the reminders I have of what was once to be.

$5* to the first person to guess what I'm talking about!

Any takers? Eh? Eh?



*Presuming this isn't my last $5, and it probably is...so we'll just have a laugh and call it even. OH YEAH.