He's Gone

I got home from lunch this afternoon at around 4pm. My grandma immediately told me to go to my mom upstairs and that something had happened to dad. I run up to see what's wrong. She tells me that dad had a heart attack at his office and the paramedics were there with a defibrulator.

That didn't sound good. But I figured my dad's a trooper and he would be ok. Mom and I found out where he was being taken and hopped in the car so that we could be there for him.

My mom and I got to the hospital only to be greeted outside of the ER by one of his colleagues. The way he took my mom's arm was all too telling. Her tears were even more telling. My daddy was gone.

I didn't even get to say "hi" to him this morning.

We stood out there for about 10 minutes trying to process what happened. I called my little sister. She was hysterical. I called my auntie. She wasn't too much better. All everyone could say was "NO! NO!" and I believed them. This couldn't be real. It couldn't be happening.
Not to my dad at least. He's like Superman. Impervious to all of this ish.

They called us into the hospital to sit in a room so the doctor could talk to us. He came in and told us things about "cardiac arrest" and "they did all they could" and "we did all we could" and "he didn't make it." They asked if we wanted to see him.

I lost it. But I knew that I would never forgive myself if I didn't take the opportunity to see him today. I had to. And if not for me, for my mother.

When I finally got enough nerve about myself to actually go in there and see him, I followed my mom into the room down the hall. There he was, on the bed with a respirator in his mouth. His eyes were still partially open.

My mom went to close them and kissed him on the forehead. I, on the other hand, defied reality and tried to wake him up.

"Wake up, daddy. Please. Don't do this. You can't do this. Please, wake up."

He wouldn't.

I shook him. I pleaded with him. I yelled at him to do this ONE THING for me.

But he didn't. He just lay there. Lifeless. My dad was dead. I closed his eyes myself, told him "I love you" for the last time in his ear and left the hospital.

I never thought it would happen so soon...I figured if it did happen, it would be like this, but had I known; if I would have even suspected that today would be the day that the first sight of my father would be of him lifeless on a gurney at Centinela Hospital, I would have done things differently. Much differently.

I haven't actually seen him since Tuesday when he popped his head in my room to say hi. Perfectly normal, but now I feel like shit. I haven't seen my dad alive since Tuesday.

I should have paid more attention to Jenkins' blog a few weeks ago. I should have taken that time to really reflect and appreciate the people I have around me. But I didn't. I've breezed in and out of the house, barely saying a word to anyone, let alone the first man in my life.
So to you, Daddy, now that you've crossed the threshold into another plane of existence (hopefully), I want to extend my apologies:

I'm sorry for yelling at you last week when we got into that big fight.

I'm sorry for not telling you how my day was last night because I was too lazy to come out of my room and actually see you.

I'm sorry for not showing you my FIDM report card because I thought it was a stupid thing to ask to see.

I'm sorry for not watching Jeopardy with you.

I'm sorry I didn't get up to say goodbye to you this morning.

I'm sorry that you didn't get to walk me down the aisle last weekend. I know how much that meant to you, so I'm sorry that me and Nathan didn't work out.

I'm sorry for worrying you on those nights I decided I didn't feel like coming home.

I'm sorry that you didn't get to see me become the woman that I am meant to become.

I'm sorry for not telling you "I love you" and for assuming that you already knew.

I'm sorry for complaining nearly everytime you asked me to do something.

This list could go on forever, but I know it won't do any good now. I just wish it would. I really wish it would.

DADDY...Please...Come back...

I miss you. I love you. Please...come back.

Is it just me...

Or does blogger keep coming up with the title bar in Japanese? I don't get it. It's irritating as hell!

I didn't do anything. I swear! But for the last week, this has been happening.


That's all. Back to Top Chef.

Hair Update!!!

Taking a cue from Ms. Natural Muze, I've decided to celebrate my nappturalness. My hair has been growing fairly well over the past few months (it's down to my collarbone!!!), although I am noticing a GRIP of split ends - the bad ones are split multiple times. It's sad to look at. I trimmed like three weeks ago...oh well.


Anywho, I'm loving where I am with my hair right now. I've now realized that the more product I use, the worse off I am. I've been using an takeoff on the bohemian method where I'm supposed to only co-wash and use a bit of leave in conditioner as the totality of my product for the day. I cheat sometimes and put in a little product if I'm feeling like I need a little more. Not often, but it happens. Sometimes. LOL.



The weather is changing so I'm probably going to get it braided soon (pray for my ends, PLEASE), but until then, my puff will delight the world with its fluffiness.


WHOO-HOO!

Saturday

This weekend was supposed to go very differently.

Four months ago, the plan was for me to walk down a red aisle overlooking the Long Beach harbor with a man who I like to call "the one who isn't on myspace." I had three bridesmaids, he had three groomsmen. Pastor Fred Jr. was presiding. It was going to be a fairly warm day - he had checked 9 months in advance. All was good because my dress was strapless anyway.

After that we were going to celebrate our newly created union with friends and family members in a room outfitted in white, crimson, and coffee brown (it worked, believe me). We were even gonna bust out a little routine to a Rick James medley that would have been youtube worthy. I had the first part down.

Right after, we were hitting up LAX on a trip to Hawaii for a week. I'll leave the rest out, mainly because I hadn't had all that planned out yet. Then again, who does?
But that is no more. We are no more. And I am...







LAUGHING my ass all the way to the --- to sell what's left of the reminders I have of what was once to be.

$5* to the first person to guess what I'm talking about!

Any takers? Eh? Eh?



*Presuming this isn't my last $5, and it probably is...so we'll just have a laugh and call it even. OH YEAH.

I'm Good...

Because I, I go for mine. I got to shine.

And as of yesterday, I'm throwing my hands way up in the sky.

I'm finally done. I can emerge from my hole victorious and with another degree. Thanks to all of my friends who put up with my sudden AWOL status in the most gracious of manners and to my fam who had to deal with me acting like a stranger in my own house.

I did it guys! Through mounds of work, projects galore, and outside hustles that would compare to those poor people on Design Star (gotta love it), I've done it. Cheers to me.

Welcome to graduation. And the real world grind.

Coming Up for Air

1 to the 2, 2 to the 3, 3 to the 4, then you gotta *BREATHE*

The song used to go so hard. Anyway...

I'm almost done with it. School is officially over on Monday and I'm only a test shoot and a lamp away from washing my hands of my second go round at education I have to pay for out of my pocket. It's been a crucial two weeks, but as of today, I've actually had the time to sit back and enjoy the day, make plans for the weekend, and act as if (school) work has not completely consumed me.

I mean, it has, but it's been for a good reason. The Emmys gift suite came out VERY nicely and I came away with a nice amount of free stuff as a result. My portfolio is officially done (for now), Armani is no more, and my graphic submittal for a concept Sony store received some great feedback.

People have resorted to making appointments to see me starting in 2010, but it was all worth it. Sad...but worth it.

I'm coming out of hiding this weekend, and dammit, I'm gonna go out. There's some listening party with free champagne and chocolate covered strawberries somewhere in the mix - cheap and sexy on a Sunday night. Oh yeah.

RANDOM NOTE: I finally sold the wedding dress. I should have hit up ebay the first time, sheesh. I figured I wasn't going to use it, so someone else should be able to benefit. Eh? Eh? Now I have to figure out what to do with this engagement ring that a certain someone asks about the status of but never actually comes to pick up. Now I could keep it in the little box it came with in a safe place...or I could...umm...find something more constructive (read: lucrative) to do with it.

Or I could just call him on the day we were going to get married on (it's 2 weeks from today...wow) and tell him I've sold it. That would be hilarious.

Decisions, decisions.

Grin-DING

Man...

I'm tired as all get out.

As I sit here at 3:00am STILL prepping stuff for my portfolio and thinking about the millions of projects (or so it seems) that are due in the next 2 weeks, I just realized that I need to sleep sometime this week.

Today ain't the day, but let's hope I get to it eventually. Between the aforementioned portfolio, a computer rendered electronics store proposal, a lamp (that yours truly must construct), a forthcoming test shoot, and designing an Emmy's gift suite (YAY ME!!! It's probably the most legit thing I've done ALL YEAR), I'm tapped...almost tapped the heck out.

Jesus be a co-pilot.

I can't wait until all of this is over. Then I can have my real job and not worry about projects...




...

...

...


That almost made me laugh out loud. Delirium is setting in. *sigh*

Pray for me, ya'll. I just need to make it to the 24th in one piece and of sound mind.

The Braids are GONE

I just got finished taking these things out of my head with one of my favorite people - my grandma. I missed my hair so much...and it's grown. To think how I used to abuse the hell out of it makes me sad sometimes. Who knows what it would have looked like now if I didn't revert that first time...cutting off all this goodness only to get fried, dyed and faded every other week for $80 a pop...only to come home and sleep in the most uncomfortable of positions.

That's the masochism right there. LOL.

*sigh*

I guess we'll never know.

Either way, I feel a lot better in this ridiculous heat we've been tormented with in L.A. - sorry if you live in a hotter area of the good ol' US of A, but EYE am not used to 100+ degree weather. NOT.COOL. But I guess it'll be a little better since I got the extra weight off the back of my neck.

I also got a sweet picture of my grand-ma afterward. I absolutely adore this woman. She's the business. I wish you could meet her. It would change your life....well, maybe not, but I'd get a guaranteed laugh out of it either way.


That's her...with the stunner shades on. YOU GO CARMELITA!!!! (it's her middle name, but I love calling her that!)

You know what...

I just realized that I remind myself of Lynn on Girlfriends. Not sure where to put my finger on that one, but it just popped in my head.

I don't know how to process that exactly, but ummm...yeah...

Uh...

Hmmmm...

I'll let you know how that one works out.

Progress...

I love the feeling of payoff. Even if it might not be much, when it comes to the point where you've been working and pushing and striving for so long, anything is seen as a just reward, the payoff can be rated right up there with a Big Stick on a summer day.

*Note to self: Stalk the next ice cream truck I hear*

This has been a very trying year for yours truly. For some reason, though, I'm feeling sense of calm and optimism. I really can't go anywhere but up...seriously. I don't even want to run down the laundry list of stuff that wasn't supposed to happen, but I know that because of all of it, I'll be wiser for the wear...that or maybe I'll finally accept that God has a very twisted method of communicating with me. Call it irreverent, but He needs an iPhone or that silver Blackberry or something. This trial by fire thing is not the business.

Well, whatever it is, stuff is finally starting to look up. I'm still bent on making this my best.year.ever thusfar despite my bout with extreme broke-ness, unemployment (I go to school full time...and Armani ain't paying on the days I'm not in class), and alleged malnutrition. Jury is still out on that last one...I need a couple more weeks to make weight.

There was a point somewhere in all of this...Ah, yes! I finally got a job.

*Round of applause*

Sure it isn't on the career path (paving is still in the works), but Gordon Bennett, it's a move in the right direction. Score one for me.

Celebratory cocktail: Orange Brulee - if you ever are in the position where you can order this, please do. It's wonderful. Seriously.

I'm still aiming for N.Y., y'all. Even if all my ducks aren't in a row, I'm still going to make moves as if they are. Uncle Russy would be proud.